I know I haven’t really blogged in a while. I feel like I could never blog again. I’m just not feeling up for talking about much right now.
I had a seriously crappy day yesterday, starting off with a fight with GB about one of my Stupid Fucking Issues that is really taking a toll on both of us–on me, in particular, but on him because it’s impossible to deal with me in any sort of kind or loving way when I’m dealing with this Stupid Fucking Issue. I drove him to work and made him 1/2 an hour late arguing in the car, then met Iron Buttercup for drinks and some crying, then went home and proceeded to spend the rest of the day sobbing spontaneously and often about how this Stupid Issue is ruining my marriage, my sanity, and my general well-being.
You might remember, and I’m sorry if you do, that I attempted to get some professional help about this sometime last year. (I said it then, and I’ll say it again: I’m sorry, but if you are 23 years old and weigh 100 pounds–and look like my little sister, to boot–you are not going to be a trustworthy eating disorder/body image therapist for me. Maybe that’s shallow, but that’s where I’m at.) I’m considering trying therapy for this again, because honestly, I don’t know what else to do, because nothing in my rational mind helps, and this Stupid Issue is about 50 times worse for me, every day, than I would ever dream of letting on here.
And aside from the Stupid Fucking Issue, which completely wrecked yesterday, I’m so overwhelmed with the work I should be–and am not quite–doing, that I don’t even know where to begin with it. I’ve been working all this week on an application for a dissertation completion fellowship, and while the application is coming along okay, it raised a number of issues/problems/roadblocks that I just cannot deal with right now. And so I am completely fucking stuck.
And we leave for 12 days in California on Tuesday, which is going to be painful, in certain specific ways that have to do with family illness and that I am not ready to talk or think about; and good, in certain others. But I do hate flying, and I am already freaking out about that part, and leaving the cats with a new catsitter, and, and, and….
And so I haven’t felt much like blogging, or talking, or commenting on blogs (though I’m still reading y’all), or being awake, really. Things will pick up, I know–they always do. Just hoping I can wait this all out.
polyopia 
August 18, 2006 at 1:47 pm
Oh sweetie, I can relate! I have gained a lot, lost 65 three years ago, and gained a whole lot of it back (not ALL, but I’m seriously afraid that could happen) in the past year and a half. I’m starting to have a glimmer that there is something a little psychological behind it. At least I have this awareness. Now if I can only DO something about it.
Thinking of you – try and chill and have a good weekend before the Westward trek.
August 18, 2006 at 1:53 pm
*hugs*
August 18, 2006 at 2:18 pm
I miss you! And I bet you’re beautiful just the way you are.
August 18, 2006 at 3:32 pm
So sorry you are feeling down. Sending good thoughts your way…
August 18, 2006 at 3:52 pm
I wrote a song about a feeling like yours, and it goes something like this…..oops. Not really.
I mean, I once had a life or rather life had me…..
Actually, I was going to California with an achin’ in my heart….
Or something better and more useful.
August 18, 2006 at 4:17 pm
Do the therapy, sweetie. Find someone you like and are comfortable with — in my experience, that’s how therapy works (best, or at all!).
((((((((Buzz))))))))
August 18, 2006 at 6:26 pm
{{{{Luckybuzz}}}}}
Chances that my own version of the Stupid Fucking Issue will be in the highest gear by the time I see my sister in a couple days: 100%. Sigh.
August 18, 2006 at 8:17 pm
{{{hugs}}}
I’m currently dealing with my version of the Stupid Fucking Issue – I know it’s not fun. I can’t offer any advice, but I feel for you, girl!
August 18, 2006 at 10:15 pm
{{LB}}
Like Tazjia says, shop around (as much as insurance allows, at least) until you find a therapist that is right for you.
We do miss you, but as someone who’s just come back from a serious blogging hiatus herself, take as much time as you need to just lurk.
August 19, 2006 at 11:28 am
I totally agree with you about the issue of 100 pound 25-year-olds as therapists. First, I personally disagree with the idea many have of going straight to grad school after undergradn when one is training to be a shrink of any kind. I just think one needs some life experience before one can be totally empathic and present with another person. And I think having life experience can enhance others’ trust in you. Second, I think the weight issue is a big one (ha ha). A lot of young women in my program are tiny (teeny tiny – like 5’2″ and 90 lbs). And I know that any client with an eating issue (perhaps more than 90% of women clients) sit there and compare themselves. A friend of mine is an eating disorder therapist – and she is very thin. She has told me her anorexic clients will point that out to her when she tries to get them to eat. And her overweight clients feel like she can’t empathize with their feelings.
When I have tried to find a shrink – I have been wanting to find someone who just looks normal (my last therapist – who was wonderful – looked like a supermodel and so there were things I felt anxious discussing with her). But so many are marathoners or are super tiny or otherwise perfect looking. I can’t relate!
Personally, I think it is good to find a therapy-type shrink with whom you can feel comfortable. Don’t worry so much about area of specialization – they can always read up or get consultation. I don’t think it’s necessary to see an eating disorder specialist especially, as that is such a ubiquitous issue that most therapists know that area quite well.
Sorry this was so long!
August 19, 2006 at 12:11 pm
Hugs from me, too! I miss you but I want you to feel better soon!
Where are you going in California? Can we meet you somewhere?
August 19, 2006 at 12:19 pm
You all Just. Fucking. Rock. 🙂
Thanks, everyone, for the hugs, and the support, and the therapist advice. I am going to try to find a therapist, though I find that process so incredibly daunting. But I’m feeling a little better, and I believe I will blog today. 🙂
August 19, 2006 at 12:38 pm
Blog or don’t blog as you see fit. We’ll still be here hanging out when you feel up to blogging. Sounds like you have a ton of stuff going on right now – hope your stress levels start dropping!
August 20, 2006 at 10:06 am
Oh baby…..I know exactly how badly this sucks. No matter how many times people look right at you and tell you how sexy and beautiful you are, you cant hear it. However this plays out hon, my greatest hope is that you will at some point be able to see what we all see when we look at you.
August 25, 2006 at 12:31 pm
i love you and think you are beautiful and powerful and sexy as hell. i struggle with the same stupid fucking issue (and can tell you it’s caused a number of fights here too)
remember about being allowed to take up space? remember becoming bigger and bigger and filling up the room with presence and power? i do. you helped me get to a place i NEVER thought i would be with my body a long time ago. i know it sucks honey. i wish you could see what i see.
(and YEAH on 22 yeear old 95 lb. therapists. f-off. gimme a middle aged women with some freaking mass and a great brain.)