I know I haven’t really blogged in a while. I feel like I could never blog again. I’m just not feeling up for talking about much right now.
I had a seriously crappy day yesterday, starting off with a fight with GB about one of my Stupid Fucking Issues that is really taking a toll on both of us–on me, in particular, but on him because it’s impossible to deal with me in any sort of kind or loving way when I’m dealing with this Stupid Fucking Issue. I drove him to work and made him 1/2 an hour late arguing in the car, then met Iron Buttercup for drinks and some crying, then went home and proceeded to spend the rest of the day sobbing spontaneously and often about how this Stupid Issue is ruining my marriage, my sanity, and my general well-being.
You might remember, and I’m sorry if you do, that I attempted to get some professional help about this sometime last year. (I said it then, and I’ll say it again: I’m sorry, but if you are 23 years old and weigh 100 pounds–and look like my little sister, to boot–you are not going to be a trustworthy eating disorder/body image therapist for me. Maybe that’s shallow, but that’s where I’m at.) I’m considering trying therapy for this again, because honestly, I don’t know what else to do, because nothing in my rational mind helps, and this Stupid Issue is about 50 times worse for me, every day, than I would ever dream of letting on here.
And aside from the Stupid Fucking Issue, which completely wrecked yesterday, I’m so overwhelmed with the work I should be–and am not quite–doing, that I don’t even know where to begin with it. I’ve been working all this week on an application for a dissertation completion fellowship, and while the application is coming along okay, it raised a number of issues/problems/roadblocks that I just cannot deal with right now. And so I am completely fucking stuck.
And we leave for 12 days in California on Tuesday, which is going to be painful, in certain specific ways that have to do with family illness and that I am not ready to talk or think about; and good, in certain others. But I do hate flying, and I am already freaking out about that part, and leaving the cats with a new catsitter, and, and, and….
And so I haven’t felt much like blogging, or talking, or commenting on blogs (though I’m still reading y’all), or being awake, really. Things will pick up, I know–they always do. Just hoping I can wait this all out.