I think it’s likely that this despair I’m feeling is *probably* unfounded, and I’m hoping it is, and that’s why I think I want to say this (sort of) out loud:
I think that I might not be capable of actually writing this dissertation.
I’m not sure what my problem is, exactly, but the more I begin to actually *work* on the first chapter, the less certain I am that I can turn it into anything coherent and/or intelligent (I’m so not shooting for brilliant anymore, so at least that’s out of my system). I just fucking hate it. It’s the pseudo-historical section–the only one I can really write right now, since I am so clearly not done with enough fieldwork to make a dent in the other chapters. And I have, like, 90 pages of notes for this freaking chapter.
NINETY. FUCKING. PAGES. Of notes, quotes, citations, and full paragraphs that just suck.
I’m so annoyed and pissed off at this chapter that I want to give it up and write the second chapter instead–it’s way more interesting, I think–but there’s an enormous amount of data analysis and secondary source perusing I need to do for that, and I hesitate to start on that now, when I’m already immersed in THIS chapter. Which, as far as I can tell, is boring and lame and aren’t I supposed to have some sort of, you know, “committee” who might say things to me like, Luckybuzz, this chapter is a stupid idea, do something else? That would be great. I think I’d like that.
And, also, what happened to my writing? I might be a big neurotic freak, but I know I’m a good writer, and I do not understand why everything I’m writing in this chapter sounds like a 2am essay by a doped-up sixth grader.
Friends, I know many of you have experience with the successful dissertating. Help me out. How do I save a chapter that is half written and just sucks ass and is making me think I will never, never finish this?
polyopia 
January 2, 2007 at 8:21 pm
I have not written a dissertation, but I’ve read more than my fair share, and I’ve seen every kind of fucked up first chapter imaginable (I hope).
Here’s what I recommend. First, keep writing. No matter how shitty it seems overall, there are going to be some gems of sentences and ideas in there you’ll be glad you have and the other stuff is going to be remarkably salvagable, almost always.
Second, keep in mind who your audience is–your dissertation committee–and write what they expect you to write. Worry about keeping a larger audience engaged with your witty awesomeness when you go to write your book. Right now, you’re just producing something that will get you out of grad school (plus, when you sit down to change your dissertation into a book, this chapter that you’re sweating over? It’ll be the first one your editor will suggest you either completely cut or radically rework. So, it doesn’t have to be great literature, it just has to do its job.).
Third, keep in mind that this is just a draft and once you get your other chapters written, you’ll end up revising this one based on where your dissertation ends up. So, it’s okay if your first draft is shitty because you already know that a.) you want to revise it; b.) you’re going to have to revise it later based on where your work goes; and c.) come on! You’re a kick-ass writer. You’ll totally be able to revise it no problem once you’ve had some time away from it.
Long story short: you can do this.
January 2, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Aunt B, you are such a freaking rockstar. Thanks. That was helpful and awesome and made me cry a little (in a good way).
Okay then. I’m off to do a bit more reading and a smidge more writing. Sigh.
January 2, 2007 at 9:16 pm
I totally agree with the keep writing part. Get the coherent, chronologocal, and date oriented stuff down, and revise the hell out of it later. And remember to breathe. You CAN do this, because you are awesome and brilliant. Otherwise you wouldn’t be doing this at all. Go kick some committee ass!!!
January 2, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Buzz, you do not suck.
You. do. not. suck.
You.
Do.
Not.
Suck.
Stop it! Do what Aunt B tells you. You’re doing so well to get as far as you have done, and you’re not the sort of person to stop doing it. Why? Because you. do. not. suck.
You’re doing well, babe! Just keep writing.
🙂
January 2, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Thanks, friends. 🙂 Trying to pull out of this funk…you’re definitely helping.
And “Do what Aunt B tells you” made me laugh out loud. 🙂
January 2, 2007 at 11:33 pm
I am totally on the “do what aunt b tells you” bus. LB, do you know how many times you tried to tell me you couldnt write. That you produced crap? Um…wasnt that what you said about an application to a certain school that offered you a full ride? Paid you to go there in fact? Um…where you are right now? Remember?
LB, You cant write crap even if you try. Its ok to try to shirk your brilliance. It isnt going to leave you, no matter what you do baby. I cant wait for my sweet dr. luckybuzz to look back on this and smile. I love you.
January 3, 2007 at 12:00 am
Dammit. I just left a long comment and I think blogger ate it.
The short version is: listen to Aunt B.
The long version was much cooler, though.
January 3, 2007 at 12:44 am
Oh LB. I understand. I’ve been stuck and unwilling to look at the file that is to be my diss for several weeks due to fear and getting lost in the enormity of the task.
It’s the psychological pressure of the word “dissertation” that is the problem. I knew it going in and it still gets me.
Do what Aunt B says…just plug along. Consider it just a regular old paper that you have to do for class and move along. Revise when told to do so after the committee looks at it and gives you more direction.
Oh. And you don’t suck. Dissertations suck.
January 3, 2007 at 1:16 am
Aunt B seems pretty wise. So long as you get something done, something can be done with it. I’ve been on or am on a number of dissertation committees by this point. Many dissertations suck, and far more suck in the minds of their authors (esp. as they are working on them), but committees understand parts of dissertations that suck. They can work with that; what they can’t work with is text that never gets in their hands because the person can’t get past the parts that suck and get it done.
January 3, 2007 at 1:21 am
See, Jeremy has pretty much hit my problem on the head. I’m having trouble even imagining writing enough of this chapter that I’m willing to give it to any of my committee. Yet I’ve also committed to presenting this chapter in my colloquium in March…and I think this is what’s freaking me out so much. And I end up paralyzed with fear, and unable to make any fucking progress at all.
I guess my question, really, is: how do I just stop caring enough that I can send SOMETHING to my committee????
January 3, 2007 at 9:44 am
Aunt B is totally right on.
My two cents: at least half of diss writing is showing your committee what you know. Historical chapters (and most first chapters in most disses) are a big part of that. It’s not supposed to be earth-shattering, ground-breaking, or even all that interesting– think of it as a fairly routine “trot” through some necessary background.
You CAN do this LB! Hell, with 90 pages of notes, you’re more than halfway there, I’d say! –maggiemay
January 3, 2007 at 11:55 am
I have no advice because I have the exact. same. problem. Except it’s not even dissertation-time yet.
I’m so coming back for more advice
January 3, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I’m on the Aunt B bandwagon! You can do this, LB. You really can! 🙂
You may need to put that chapter aside and come back to it. Sometimes we need a little distance and time to reflect on what we have done. Work on some mundane crap for chapter 2 for a week or two and come back to chapter 1 later. You may need to gain some clarity on other topics before you can really tackle that beast that is Chapter 1.
Have faith and know that you can do it!
January 3, 2007 at 5:30 pm
I think I dealt with this chapter by just writing what I thought was crap, giving it away to a committee member (usually my advisor) for feedback, and then moving on to another chapter. Usually what I thought was crap turned out to be usable. And, in the end, a dissertation is usually not great, but it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s done. I still think my dissertation itself is kind of crap, but the articles that came out of it were mostly better, and you have time for that. I guess I’m trying to say that crap is okay. HA!
Also, I just sometimes write by imagining that I am telling my advisor about my study and write those words as if I am talking about it. That helps.
Good luck! You can do it! 90 pages is great, actually. You might find that you have more than one chapter in there!
January 3, 2007 at 11:09 pm
How do I just stop caring enough that I can send SOMETHING to my committee????
I still have variants of this problem. I have found some motivation in pondering those people who do work that sucks more than mine and yet will be better off than me just because they are willing to put their stuff out there when I’m not. I don’t know if that motivator works for anyone else, though.