Okay, so clearly I’ve lost the time and the will to blog. I’ve been updating my status on Facebook–that’s about as close to blogging as I can get these days.*

And now Waylon is waking up from a nap, so this has to be quick…

We’re not moving to SF.

We’re not moving to East Coast City.

We’re moving to HomeState, to my old Hometown.

Yes, we are. You heard me.

Why?

Because we can rent a LOT more house for about a quarter of what we’re used to paying. Because we can live this year on my fellowship, and GB doesn’t need to work (or can pick up contract jobs in one of the nearby Big Cities). Which means GB can spend this year taking care of Waylon full-time, and I can write and not have to try to find a way to finish my diss with Waylon on my lap, and we both get to spend this amazing, unrepeatable first year of Waylon’s life with him.

And honestly, that sounds like heaven. And I don’t care what city I’m in while we do that. And Hometown has some of my oldest and closest friends, and lots of other little ones in the mix, and my mom and sister and nephew less than three hours away. And Skycat and the Yogini are there, and they’re Waylon’s godparents, and I want them to spend this year with him, too. And all the Hometown women–Waylon will get a year of both parents, grandma, and lots and lots of aunts and uncles.

We can’t believe how much our ideas of what will make us happy have changed.

It feels like a good move.

Gratuitous baby picture (this is what he wore to the wedding in SF last weekend…will he hate us or love us for this in 20 years?):

*If you’re on Facebook and haven’t friended me already, feel free….you can email me at polyopia.blog at gmail if you’re a blogfriend of mine and want to be a Facebook friend but don’t know my real name.

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So, a new job opening was just posted on my professional organization’s website.

It’s in my sub-field.

It’s at a state university, which I prefer to the SLACs I’ve been applying to (because that’s where most of the jobs are this year).

It’s in HomeState. (Where GB, just the other day, said he thinks we will probably end up, eventually.)

At the risk of sounding cocky, I feel like I might be a pretty appealing candidate to them.

It is, of course, 600 miles from EastCoastCIty, where we’re moving next month. Which means we’d move to ECC, then turn around and move 600 more miles in less than a year.

(Though we’d have to make the cross-country move anyway, I suppose.)

This is all completely insane.

(Yes, of course I’m applying for it, and for all the others, too…and we’ll see what happens. Will I get any interviews at the conference in November? Will I fail horribly at those interviews (as I usually do…I *SO* do not interview well)? Will I get any job offers? Will we just keep moving every freaking year? Stay tuned…)

this is the picture I should have gone with:

(Though I couldn’t have, since I just took it today.)

Clearly, Waylon is ready for this move.

Today, I’m not so sure I am.

  • Job and postdoc applications due: all around October 1st. (I still have to write several cover letters, two research proposals, and a couple of course proposals.)
  • Waylon gets his 4 month vaccinations on October 6th.
  • We are planning on leaving here around October 11th. (We have to fly from the east coast to the location of Big Damn Conference on Oct. 31st.)

In the meantime, we have to figure out how to sell/store/trash all of our stuff; how to pack, maybe, two boxes to mail with stuff we really, really need; rent an apartment in East Coast City (from afar); rent a van and move all of our crap into GB’s parents’ storage (assuming it even fits); figure out how to come up with enough money for hotels, gas, and food; pack everything up….Oh, it just goes on

Yes. Today I am convinced this is an utterly insane idea. But apparently we’re doing it.

I can’t believe I’m not drinking, these days.

I think we’re actually doing it.

We’re moving back.

(Note: that’s an old picture, but I didn’t want to wake Waylon up to put the hat on him and photograph him again. But here’s a more recent, and completely unrelated to this post, picture of Waylon for your viewing pleasure:)

Anyway. Yeah. I can’t explain. This is just kind of what we do…though usually we’re both drunk when we make these decisions, and this time only one of us was drunk.

Which means I made this decision sober.

Weird.

But yeah. We gave notice on the apartment today. I know none of it makes sense, but it seems right. And yes, I’m still on the job market…but I may be a little picky about the jobs I look for. But you know what? Neither GB nor I have ever been career-oriented. Honestly, we both tend to look at our careers as that stuff we do until we can get back home to our friends and family. And my whole family wants to move back east, so, you know, there you have it.

Stay tuned for major freakouts as we try to get four cats, two human adults, one human baby, and at least some of our crap (well, mostly Waylon’s crap) into a Toyota for the drive back across the country….

(Oh, and because I’m too lazy to post a new post about this: the six day panic attack? It was my thyroid. Apparently I’ve gone all postpartum hyperthyroid (i was hypo- before), and that’s what was making me feel like crap. My TSH levels were insanely low. So we’re adjusting my meds and hoping that works….But yay, I’m not crazy! At least not in that way…)

Guess what I got for my birthday yesterday?

A day-long panic attack.

Wait–make that a two-day-long panic attack, because it keeps starting back up.

You know, [rant ahead] it drives me crazy when people who don’t actually have panic disorder talk about having a “panic attack” because, for instance, they’re stressed about a deadline or something. Or–people who don’t have them and don’t really understand say, “Well, what are you stressed about?” Panic attacks–the ones I have, anyway–are not anxiety about anything in particular. They’re not brought on by stress about something. They come out of nowhere, unexpectedly, and pretty much just make me feel like I’m dying.[rant over for now]

Anyway. I think it’s a panic attack, or rather, a series of them. I feel better for a little while (maybe a half hour?) and then it starts up again. These ones are different than the ones I usually have–I have a headache, and hot flashes (ooh, so many hot flashes), and chills, and no appetite, and shaky hands….Ugh. And I’m trying to convince myself I don’t have meningitis or something, because that’s how the panic attacks work–they convince you that it really IS something fatal, it IS different this time. Because that Feeling Of Impending Doom? Is the most consistent of all my symptoms.

So. I’ve been trying, since yesterday, to convince myself I’m not dying right this minute, and that Waylon isn’t going to get anything horrible from me. GB keeps telling me it’s just the panic disorder, and he’s probably right. I’ve been trying to decide all day whether or not to go to urgent care…but I think I would probably feel way too stupid going in for a headache, hot flahes, and shaky hands.

Oh, and the feeling of impending doom.

So yeah. I’m trying to get through it. Took some ibuprofen a little bit ago and am hoping that takes care of the headache (which isn’t meningitis, right? Right?). Trying to focus on smiley Waylon and my awesome, solid GB and just get the hell through this.

(Have I mentioned here before that I am the Queen of Psychosomatic Illnesses? I’ll tell you about that another time. It’s entertaining.)

Ugh. Someone remind me that it’s probably just the panic attacks and anxiety and nothing horrible, and I’ll be fine, right?

So, Gospel Bob caught wind of that meme that’s going around–it came our way again via the Lovely and Very Much Missed Skycat. So he decided he wanted to do it, but he’s kind of over blogging at this point, so he asked if he could just answer it and have me post it here. Well, hell, sure I will.
So–the fill-in-the-blanks meme, from Gospel Bob!
1.MY UNCLE ONCE took me to play Ultimate Frisbee on the beach with his team, the Lemons.
2. NEVER IN MY LIFE have I waited so long for a meme question to make sense.
3. WHEN I WAS FIVE I taunted God and waited for the thunderbolts.
4. HIGH SCHOOL WAS ugh.
5.I WILL NEVER FORGET that thing. What was it?
6. ONCE I MET A GUY IN A BAR. We took things a little too far. He grabbed a drink, I started to think, perhaps we should fuck in his car. (Nice spontaneous limerickage, GB!)
7. THERE’S THIS BOY I KNOW I don’t know.
8. ONCE AT A BAR, i met a wife.
9. BY NOON, I’m drunk of course.
10.LAST NIGHT i fell in love with my family even more.
11.IF ONLY I HAD more teeth.
12. NEXT TIME I GO TO CHURCH I hope it’s a wedding.
13. WHAT WORRIES ME MOST is little shit.
14. WHEN I TURN MY HEAD LEFT – where’d my head go? Holy shit!
15. WHEN I TURN MY HEAD RIGHT I see sugarplums and snuggleturds.
16. YOU KNOW I’M LYING WHEN I’m on my bed.
17. WHAT I MISS MOST ABOUT THE EIGHTIES is not a damn thing.
18. IF I WERE A CHARACTER IN SHAKESPEARE I’d be one of them crossdressers.
19. BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR Waylon will be sooo much bigger.
20. A BETTER NAME FOR ME would be Malfluvio.
21.I HAVE A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING George W. Bush.
22. IF I EVER GO BACK TO SCHOOL, I won’t. Fuck no. No way. I love it though. But a terminal degree is a terminal degree.
23. YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU if I offer to eat mushrooms because they’re in what you’re cooking.
24. IF I EVER WON AN AWARD THE FIRST PERSON I WOULD THANK WOULD BE probably my mother.
25. TAKE MY ADVICE, please take my advice. What do you mean, he had bullet holes in his mirrors?
26. MY IDEAL BREAKFAST just keeps going and going. Mmm, I love breakfast.
27. A SONG I LOVE BUT DO NOT HAVE IS unknown to me.
28.IF YOU VISIT MY HOMETOWN, you really should be in San Francisco.
29. WHY WON’T PEOPLE park better?
30. IF YOU SPEND A NIGHT AT MY HOUSE you will either a) drink too much and eat all of our food, or b) be a relative.
32. THE WORLD COULD DO WITHOUT pollution.
33.I’D RATHER LICK THE BELLY OF A COCKROACH THAN step on a cockroach.
34. MY FAVORITE BLOND is a blond in hand.
35. PAPER CLIPS ARE MORE USEFUL THAN novelty turds.
36. IF I DO ANYTHING WELL – what do you mean “if”?
37.I CAN’T HELP BUT be thankful.
38. I USUALLY CRY if I’m lucky. I’m not a crier, but I like crying.
39. MY ADVICE TO MY NIECE/NEPHEW is be nice.
40. AND BY THE WAY, you look fantastic.

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As seen first at New Kid‘s.

1. My uncle once told me not to tell my dad he smokes weed.

2. Never in my life have I seen Top Gun.

3. When I was five my little sister was born, and my grandma died.

4. High school was sheer hell.

5. I will never forget Waylon’s birth. That may or may not be a good thing.

6. Once I met a guy who might have actually been a deer. It’s a long story (but a cool one).

7. There’s this boy I know who really should have slept with me. I’m just sayin’.

8. Once, at a bar, I met GB. History, the rest of it is.

9. By noon, I’ve had two cups of coffee and am wondering if I should have a third.

10. Last night Waylon went to bed WAY too early, wreaking havoc on the rest of the night and morning.

11. If only I had more self-confidence.

12. Next time I go to church pigs will be flying.

13. What worries me most is pretty much everything.

14. When I turn my head left I see Waylon’s favorite toy (though his is different colors and has bugs instead of that bird thing).

15. When I turn my head right I see Waylon and GB.

16. You know I’m lying when I say I don’t want ice cream.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is Atari.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be Hamlet. Totally.

19. By this time next year I hope to be getting ready to start some kind of job….

20. A better name for me would be “OCD about everything but dirt.” (This was New Kid’s answer, but I can’t do better than that for me either)

21. I have a hard time understanding high heels.

22. If I ever go back to school, I hope to be the professor.

23. You know I like you if I try to kiss you when we’re drinking.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be Gospel Bob. Whatever I won it for, I’m sure I drove him crazy in the process.

25. Take my advice, never do three different drugs in one afternoon. Or, uh, so I hear.

26. My ideal breakfast is cooked by someone else.

27. A song I love but do not have is “Sister Golden Hair.” I always love it whenever I hear it, and then I forget all about it.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you carry a gun. For real.

29. Why won’t people just pay me to hang out with Waylon? (Oh, wait, that’s kind of what my dissertation completion fellowship does…)

30. If you spend a night at my house you will be squished all night by the two giant cats sharing the twin bed with you.

31. I’d stop my wedding for many things (it took us 10 years to get there, waiting a little longer wouldn’t have been a problem).

32. The world could do without Tom Hanks.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than read the DaVinci Code.

34. My favorite blonde is GB.

35. Paper clips are more useful than I am.

36. If I do anything well it’s sleeping (when I get the chance).

37. I can’t help but worry.

38. I usually cry because–as one of my favorite artists says–the world is so beautiful and life is so short.

39. My advice to my nephew/niece is not to dig too deep into family stories..you don’t want to know.

40. And by the way, thanks to everyone who’s sticking with me in blogland, even though I’ve been a bad blogfriend. I appreciate it. 🙂