Guess what I got for my birthday yesterday?
A day-long panic attack.
Wait–make that a two-day-long panic attack, because it keeps starting back up.
You know, [rant ahead] it drives me crazy when people who don’t actually have panic disorder talk about having a “panic attack” because, for instance, they’re stressed about a deadline or something. Or–people who don’t have them and don’t really understand say, “Well, what are you stressed about?” Panic attacks–the ones I have, anyway–are not anxiety about anything in particular. They’re not brought on by stress about something. They come out of nowhere, unexpectedly, and pretty much just make me feel like I’m dying.[rant over for now]
Anyway. I think it’s a panic attack, or rather, a series of them. I feel better for a little while (maybe a half hour?) and then it starts up again. These ones are different than the ones I usually have–I have a headache, and hot flashes (ooh, so many hot flashes), and chills, and no appetite, and shaky hands….Ugh. And I’m trying to convince myself I don’t have meningitis or something, because that’s how the panic attacks work–they convince you that it really IS something fatal, it IS different this time. Because that Feeling Of Impending Doom? Is the most consistent of all my symptoms.
So. I’ve been trying, since yesterday, to convince myself I’m not dying right this minute, and that Waylon isn’t going to get anything horrible from me. GB keeps telling me it’s just the panic disorder, and he’s probably right. I’ve been trying to decide all day whether or not to go to urgent care…but I think I would probably feel way too stupid going in for a headache, hot flahes, and shaky hands.
Oh, and the feeling of impending doom.
So yeah. I’m trying to get through it. Took some ibuprofen a little bit ago and am hoping that takes care of the headache (which isn’t meningitis, right? Right?). Trying to focus on smiley Waylon and my awesome, solid GB and just get the hell through this.
(Have I mentioned here before that I am the Queen of Psychosomatic Illnesses? I’ll tell you about that another time. It’s entertaining.)
Ugh. Someone remind me that it’s probably just the panic attacks and anxiety and nothing horrible, and I’ll be fine, right?