…a bad mama already?

Or am I maybe a smidge depressed?

Friends, things here are hard lately. H is a super sweet baby and we are completely smitten with him. But he does love the all-you-can-eat buffet (aka “mama”), and he pretty much wants to snack all the time. Because I got all worried about the jaundice last week (and because of course I am not about to refuse him anything anyway), I am pretty much fine with letting him snack and nap all he wants. But it’s a little tiring, I have to say.

He doesn’t sleep so great at night, either, and that’s wearing a little thin. During the day–when he’s not at work–GB is awesome with H. He can calm him down like nobody’s business, and he hangs out with him so I get some sleep. The deal, then, is that I pretty much take the night shift–since GB needs to sleep enough to be able to work during the day, and all H wants at night is me, anyway.

This is all fine, but it means that I’m sleeping in 1/2 – 1hour spurts. Last night I put H in bed with us (in his Snuggle Nest–which still freaks me out, even though he’s not *right* in bed with us, but I was desperate) and he slept longer–almost 2 hours. And I know this is all normal and fine. But I’m tired, friends.

And more than that, I feel like I might be kind of a failure already. All the things I intended to do with H–co-sleeping and babywearing, specifically–are not so much working out. I want him right in the bed with us, but I’m too anxious that way–I feel much better having him in the cosleeper next to the bed with the movement monitor on. But then I feel like a big loser for not having him right there with us. And I keep trying to put him in the sling (I have 3 pouch slings and a Moby wrap, and a Bjorn–so lots of options), but I can’t get him in there so he looks comfortable and then I’m like, why can’t I get it together to put him in the sling? What is wrong with me? And yes, it’s true that we don’t really go anywhere yet (which is also an issue), and that either GB or me or my mom are pretty much always holding him, but I still feel like I should already have the sling thing down, and what is my problem, anyway?

And when he’s asleep, all I want to do is sleep too, since obviously that’s all the sleep I’m getting. And when he’s awake, I’m feeding him. And then I’m worried that we’re not doing enough with him, that he should be getting way more tummy time than we’re giving him (according to our lactation consultant/physical therapist, who I really like), that I suck because I’m not playing with him or reading to him or carrying him around. That I’m just the anxious, sleepy mama who can’t even manage to get a shower, let alone bathe my slightly crusty baby.

GB thinks I need to talk to someone (and I’m not sure who that would be, anyway) about maybe getting back on those antidepressants. But I’m worried about taking them and breastfeeding, and I don’t know if the ones that are breastfeeding-compatible (somewhat) will do anything for me anyway, and there is no freaking way I’m stopping the breastfeeding when really, it’s the only thing I feel like I’m doing right at this point (I hope–I’m anxiously awaiting H’s next weight check on Wednesday).

Sigh. I’m rambling. I’m tired. My baby rocks, and I know that it sounds a little crazy to be worrying that I’m already fucking things up. Is that crazy? Will I eventually get this all together? Or am I just off to a crappy start?

Oh, and my mom is helping out a lot, and is also completely stressing me out, and I’m not sure which side of that is winning. It’s a toss-up.

Okay. I needed to vent a bit. H is peacefully sleeping on Grandma’s lap right now, and I’m going to take a half hour nap (I hope), and then I *might* try to shower, though I think that’s a bit ambitious.

My boy is getting more handsome every day, though, despite my parenting difficulties. Thanks, y’all, for encouraging the posting of pictures…I do like sharing him with y’all. Here’s my sleepy little tyrant: