• I will be going off the Nifedipine on Friday, when I hit 36 weeks. My doctor said, “I can’t say that you’ll go into labor as soon as you stop the meds, but you never know.” Apparently, my doctors are okay with that scenario.
  • I, on the other hand, am terrified and overwhelmed by that scenario.
  • I’ve been having tons of the mostly-painless Braxton-Hicks contractions in the past two days. This isn’t abnormal, except that the Nifedipine is supposed to be preventing them, and it’s clearly not. In general, I do feel like my body is getting ready to start Making Things Happen.
  • OMFG. So not ready.
  • When I was 12, I had my tonsils out. Apparently, there was some issue about my blood not clotting as quickly as it should, but they went ahead and did the surgery anyway. Two days later, I was rushed to the hospital with lots of bleeding in my throat, and had to have emergency surgery to stop it. No one in my family is quite sure what the actual bleeding problem was, and it hasn’t been a problem since–though I haven’t had any other surgeries.* This has been a concern to me lately, though–obviously, I’m worried about the blood-clotting issue coming up during or after delivery. So. I told my doctor about it on Monday (I had mentioned it before, but I don’t think they noted it then), and she looked concerned, and sent me to the lab for blood tests. I’m extremely anxious about this whole thing. One, because a bleeding disorder means that an epidural is contraindicated–and I’d really like to know ahead of time if an epidural is not going to be an option. Two, because I am terrified of dying. Yes, I know that maternal mortality is this country is thankfully low. But really? It’s my biggest childbirth-related fear. Reassurance that I will probably not die would be welcomed in the comments.
  • I have to say that I’m not entirely prepared for an epidural to not be an option. I’m madly researching other pain management techniques and drugs, as well as telling myself that I have a super-high pain tolerance and hey, maybe it’ll all just be a breeze. (Work with me on this one, people. I’m trying out positive thinking.)
  • My anxiety lately is through the fucking roof as a result of all this, though. Part of me very much wants the whole thing to just be over, safely, for everyone involved.
  • The rest of me, of course, really, really, really wants H. to stay right where he is until 37 weeks, which is full term, which is next Friday.
  • Which is also the day that Bar results come out.
  • Is it any wonder that video games have become the most popular entertainment in my house right now? GB and I are both wildly freaked out and overwhelmed.
  • GB kissed me goodbye today and said, “Try not to go into labor.” I said I’d try. Can’t promise.
  • I keep thinking that if H. shows up soon, it’ll be awhile before I get pho again. I think I need to make a pho trip for lunch today.
  • Oh, and? Another one of my school friends passed his defense yesterday. I am thrilled for him–he’s got a job, he’s got a degree, he’s an all-around swell guy. Yeah. I’m very happy for my friends. But I feel like a gigantic loser, and everytime one of my friends successfully defends, it makes me cry. Am I *ever* going to actually finish this fucking degree?
  • Stupid hormones.

*My OB did ask if I had problems with bleeding gums. I do, constantly–it’s gotten worse with pregnancy, but even non-pregnant, my gums bleed if you look at them funny. I always assumed it had to do with my immense fear of dentists, and maybe it does…Or maybe not. Yeah. Not reassuring.

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