ETA: Okay, I don’t want to sound super whiny all the time. So here’s my happy update: Whoohoo! I got a fellowship for next year! That’s a relief.

Blogfriends, I just need *something* to Work The Fuck Out.

Can one of you smart and academically-inclined people help me understand this fucking email I just got about fellowship results?

Okay. So the fellowship application I submitted–it’s one application for a few different internal fellowships. The departments rank their nominees, and that gets sent to the fellowships office, where things are Decided. I was told repeatedly that, if all requirements were met, a completion fellowship was “virtually guaranteed.”

Okay, so I just got an email announcing fellowship winners. My name is not listed in the list of winners of the basic dissertation completion fellowship, but I’m listed as the alternate for the slightly more prestigious and more lucrative other fellowship. (Everyone else in my department is listed as receiving the smaller, regular fellowship.)

So I’m like, well, that’s nice, but does that mean that if I don’t get the bigger fellowship, I’m also out for the other, regular one? Or what? People, a little clarity here would be hugely helpful.

So I get all teary and figure I’m a total fuckup who can’t even get the “virtually guaranteed” fellowship. And, sniffly and hormonal, I email my dept. administrator to say, um, what does this mean? She replies, well, you’ll get the bigger fellowship if someone else declines. So, still weepy and hormonal (and feeling like a big loser), I email again–okay, but does this mean that if that doesn’t come through I’m just screwed for next year? And she *finally* emails back to say, oh, no, “at this point you’ll get the regular [fellowship], and if the [bigger fellowship] comes through, that will override.”

Okay. I can read that, but now my brain is all addled from thinking I had *nothing* coming in next year, so can y’all just humor the hormonal, depressed, kinda-dumb-right-now pregnant lady and help me: this means I *DO* have a fellowship for next year, right?