I am so freaking out of sorts. I’m so freaking grumpy that my sister (who’s had three kids) thinks it means I’m about to go into labor. Which just makes me grumpier, of course.
I have to whine. I tried to fight the need to do it, but I can’t. I. Must. Whine. Random bullets of whining ahead:
- GB is stressed and overwhelmed and a complete crankypants lately. This also makes his depression worse. So we’re all cranky with each other right now, which is completely counterproductive to easing either of our anxiety. We’re trying to get back on the same page, but it’s a struggle.
- This situation makes me feel like I’m all alone in my stress/anxiety/fear/uncertainty, which makes me even crankier in return.
- I’m dealing with hormones from hell. I feel like I’m back in the first trimester. I’m totally weepy and emotional and depressed and volatile all the time now. No fun.
- Both of my wrists are *killing* me. (That would be the pregnancy carpal tunnel.) I have wrist splints for both of them, and they help a little. But ow. They are SO fucking sore. Everything hurts.
- Seriously, *everything* hurts. Getting out of bed is a painful, complicated, time-consuming process. My back hurts. My hips hurt. My crotch hurts like a motherfucker. This kid couldn’t be any lower and still be on the inside.
- Did I mention getting out of bed hurts? And takes forever? Seriously, I am like an upturned beetle. And I get up to pee two or three times a night.
- I walked to 7-11 to get eggs, so I could make cupcakes, which I thought might help. 7-11 is maybe 1/2 a block from my house. It’s the longest walk I’ve done in a while. Within about half an hour, I felt so crappy that I was pretty much convinced that I was going into labor RIGHT NOW. I drank a bunch of water (and ate a cupcake) and I’m a little better, but it totally pisses me off that I can’t do anything.
- My family (just my immediate family–parents and siblings’ families) wants to have a reunion this August. We haven’t all been together in about four years. I would love to see everyone together and let them all meet H., but I *did not* volunteer to be the planner for the whole fucking reunion. As it happens, though, I am. If I don’t plan it, it’s not going to happen–that’s abundantly clear. Not sure if I’m going to keep trying to plan or not.
- I can’t stop eating today. And yesterday. I think it’s stress, and not really hunger. But it’s not really helping.
- GB and I started watching The Wire, and I want to like it, but I am so stressed and so tired that I can’t even follow it. We’re about 6 episodes in and I have very little idea what’s going on, who people are, and what the fuck is happening. GB likes it, so I’m guessing it’s good, but basically “watching” it for me involves staring at the TV while my brain does fourteen other things.
- I’m afraid that H. will show up too soon (I’m pretty much anxious about him showing up every single day), and I’m afraid that he won’t, and that I’ll have five (or, god forbid, 7) more weeks of this. I’m afraid of the whole labor/delivery experience. I’m afraid of something being wrong with H. I’m afraid of dying. (That last one is a *much* bigger fear than it really should be–not so surprising, given my anxiety/panic background.) I’m constantly worried about awful things happening to GB (this is how my OCD manifests most obviously, to me at least). I am, in short, a giant ball of anxiety.
- Cupcakes aren’t helping. People, listen to me: CUPCAKES AREN’T HELPING. I never thought I’d see this day.
- I cannot get a single fucking thing done on the dissertation. Nothing. I am completely stuck. One of my school friends passed his defense on Monday. I am thrilled for him, and I now feel *completely* incompetent. Okay, I say, maybe it’s not fair to compare myself to him. But you know what? I have a very good school friend–my best friend in my program–who started at the same time as me. She’s also pregnant, and due 2 weeks before us–so basically, any day now. She just–like, this week–completed her dissertation and will be defending in July. So yeah. It’s kind of hard for me to not feel like a gigantic loser.
- I CAN’T STOP WHINING. But I can stop whining in this particular post, for right now. I expect there will be more later.