April 2008


I am so freaking out of sorts. I’m so freaking grumpy that my sister (who’s had three kids) thinks it means I’m about to go into labor. Which just makes me grumpier, of course.

I have to whine. I tried to fight the need to do it, but I can’t. I. Must. Whine. Random bullets of whining ahead:

  • GB is stressed and overwhelmed and a complete crankypants lately. This also makes his depression worse. So we’re all cranky with each other right now, which is completely counterproductive to easing either of our anxiety. We’re trying to get back on the same page, but it’s a struggle.
  • This situation makes me feel like I’m all alone in my stress/anxiety/fear/uncertainty, which makes me even crankier in return.
  • I’m dealing with hormones from hell. I feel like I’m back in the first trimester. I’m totally weepy and emotional and depressed and volatile all the time now. No fun.
  • Both of my wrists are *killing* me. (That would be the pregnancy carpal tunnel.) I have wrist splints for both of them, and they help a little. But ow. They are SO fucking sore. Everything hurts.
  • Seriously, *everything* hurts. Getting out of bed is a painful, complicated, time-consuming process. My back hurts. My hips hurt. My crotch hurts like a motherfucker. This kid couldn’t be any lower and still be on the inside.
  • Did I mention getting out of bed hurts? And takes forever? Seriously, I am like an upturned beetle. And I get up to pee two or three times a night.
  • I walked to 7-11 to get eggs, so I could make cupcakes, which I thought might help. 7-11 is maybe 1/2  a block from my house. It’s the longest walk I’ve done in a while. Within about half an hour, I felt so crappy that I was pretty much convinced that I was going into labor RIGHT NOW. I drank a bunch of water (and ate a cupcake) and I’m a little better, but it totally pisses me off that I can’t do anything.
  • My family (just my immediate family–parents and siblings’ families) wants to have a reunion this August. We haven’t all been together in about four years. I would love to see everyone together and let them all meet H., but I *did not* volunteer to be the planner for the whole fucking reunion. As it happens, though, I am. If I don’t plan it, it’s not going to happen–that’s abundantly clear. Not sure if I’m going to keep trying to plan or not.
  • I can’t stop eating today. And yesterday. I think it’s stress, and not really hunger. But it’s not really helping.
  • GB and I started watching The Wire, and I want to like it, but I am so stressed and so tired that I can’t even follow it. We’re about 6 episodes in and I have very little idea what’s going on, who people are, and what the fuck is happening. GB likes it, so I’m guessing it’s good, but basically “watching” it for me involves staring at the TV while my brain does fourteen other things.
  • I’m afraid that H. will show up too soon (I’m pretty much anxious about him showing up every single day), and I’m afraid that he won’t, and that I’ll have five (or, god forbid, 7) more weeks of this. I’m afraid of the whole labor/delivery experience. I’m afraid of something being wrong with H. I’m afraid of dying. (That last one is a *much* bigger fear than it really should be–not so surprising, given my anxiety/panic background.) I’m constantly worried about awful things happening to GB (this is how my OCD manifests most obviously, to me at least). I am, in short, a giant ball of anxiety.
  • Cupcakes aren’t helping. People, listen to me: CUPCAKES AREN’T HELPING. I never thought I’d see this day.
  • I cannot get a single fucking thing done on the dissertation. Nothing. I am completely stuck. One of my school friends passed his defense on Monday. I am thrilled for him, and I now feel *completely* incompetent. Okay, I say, maybe it’s not fair to compare myself to him. But you know what? I have a very good school friend–my best friend in my program–who started at the same time as me. She’s also pregnant, and due 2 weeks before us–so basically, any day now. She just–like, this week–completed her dissertation and will be defending in July. So yeah. It’s kind of hard for me to not feel like a gigantic loser.
  • I CAN’T STOP WHINING. But I can stop whining in this particular post, for right now. I expect there will be more later.

It’s true: the first-line music meme is so fun that it really does require multiple posts. I keep wanting to do it again, but I’ve already packed my iPod in the hospital bag which is now in the trunk of the car, and I’m too lazy to go get it out. Plus, if I do, I’ll forget to repack it, and then I might be iPod-less at the hospital, and that will Not. Do.

So I thought maybe I’d try it with the *much* abbreviated iTunes library I have on my computer’s hard drive. The iPod’s library currently has 10 times as many songs as my computer’s library does, but I should still have enough to work with, I think. I’ll give it a shot, anyway.

  1. How d’you do, I see you’ve met my faithful handyman
  2. I had a horse and his name was Bill, when he ran he couldn’t stand still (okay, this might be a gimme, but extra points (in my heart) if you can guess which artist(s)’ recording I have on my iPod…)
  3. There’s a reason why I have a picture of Mick Jagger above my bed
  4. You get along with the gypsies, they’re just as weird as you*
  5. Oh the poor old dirt farmer, he’s lost all his corn
  6. One old brown shoe falls in slow motion
  7. These withered hands have dug for a dream
  8. You’re gonna miss my love when it’s gone, cause life is too short and our fights are too long**
  9. He’s only six years old, that old killer died.
  10. Oh no, god damn. (“Black Cab,” Jens Lekman)
  11. I met a boy called Frank Mills on September 12th right here
  12. Sit around, dream away the place I’m from
  13. Cotton candy and a rotten mouth, you know you’re so fucked up (“Wish you were here,” Ryan Adams)
  14. Comes a time when you’re drifting (“Comes a Time,” Neil Young)
  15. Oh the streets of Rome are filled with rubble (what came up is a live cover–original artist gets points too)
  16. I am just a cowboy lonesome on the trail
  17. Joe Dimaggio’s done it again
  18. It might be great to have a kid that I could kick around
  19. People smile and tell me I’m the lucky one (“Danny’s Song,” Loggins & Messina [or James Taylor, or Ann Murray, or Me First & the Gimme Gimmes)
  20. Below the road a dozen times now, Within the leeway, behind the sandhouse (even if you know this song, you probably didn’t know that’s what he’s saying…)
  21. Baby, we can talk all night, but that ain’t getting us nowhere (“Two out of Three ain’t Bad,” Meatloaf)
  22. See all the rain on the streets, the way the cars shine
  23. As I walk along and stumble, trains rumble in my head
  24. Hey you, you’re a child in my head
  25. I ain’t complaining, but I’d sure like to find me a true fine love

*I think that’s the line–I can’t find the lyrics to confirm

**You don’t know this–it’s a friend’s band. But you should. They’re awesome.

You know how I said I don’t have a lot of school friends? I really don’t. I have one friend in my program who I would consider an actual friend, and maybe two others I like a lot, but don’t talk to very often. And then a handful of people I might be able to small-talk with at department functions or whatever, and many, many more people in my program and department who I barely know.

Anyway. I got an evite the other day for an end-of-semester party at some people’s house. The evite is from (let’s say) “Christine,” “Polly,” and “Kirk.”

I have absolutely no fucking idea who any of these people are. None. Not a clue.

The rest of the guest list seems to be other people in my department and in related departments–some I know, many I don’t.

Living on the opposite coast means I have a great reason to decline, of course, but I’m still kind of mystified as to who the hell these people are, and why they want me at their party (when they clearly have no idea that I don’t live in East Coast City anymore).

Weird.

In bullet form, just because I think it’s easier to read. I’m all about the tiny attention span lately.

  • GB’s mom came down to visit for the weekend. We ate a lot, played a ton of board games (mostly Yahtzee and Scrabble, but a little Rummikub too).
  • GB’s mom is having a rough time lately–well, not just lately, but for the past year or so. She’s been the full-time caretaker for her mom (GB’s grandma), who has advanced Parkinson’s and is steadily declining. GB’s grandpa tries to help, but he can’t do a whole lot (he can’t lift grandma or anything like that), and he has his own health problems. GB’s dad helps, too, but the bulk of the physical and emotional work is on GB’s mom. She doesn’t get a lot of breaks, and it’s definitely wearing on her. So it was nice for her to be able to come down here and hang out. We talked about a lot of options to try to relieve some of the burden from her, too, so hopefully things will start to change a bit (for the better for everyone, we hope) in the near future.
  • It was really weird to realize, too, that the next time we see her will probably be when she comes down for H’s birth. Ack! OMG! Dudes, I’m going to have a *baby* soon….Okay, trying to quell the hyperventilating. I’m clearly much better at denial on this. Baby? What baby? Who’s having a baby? Oh, that thing poking out of my side? That’s not a baby foot. That’s, um, burrito. Yeah.
  • H. seems to have dropped even more (I didn’t think he had anywhere lower to go, but I guess he found some room) and turned in some kind of weird position overnight. My belly’s all lopsided now, and there are definitely toes poking into my side. Weird. The whole Alien-esque aspect of this is not subsiding in the least.
  • My little sister (the Awesome Vet) is now my Facebook friend. This makes me happy, since a few years ago we weren’t even speaking to each other, and now I can throw sheep at her. Yeah, well, it makes sense to me, anyway.
  • My dissertation desperation is nearing a peak. I realize that there is now no way I’ll have a draft done by the time the baby’s born. And I know that I’m planning on taking next year to finish it, so I’m technically not “behind” schedule, exactly. But three of my school friends (well, that would be pretty much all the friends I have at school)–who started when I did–are defending in the next month (one is today, actually, and one is next week). This is making me feel inadequate, to say the least. I’m trying to fight this feeling–there’s nothing wrong with finishing next year; that’s still well within my program’s requirements (and within the average time, anyway). I still feel lame, though. And making absolutely no progress at all lately is not helping with that.
  • I’m trying to decide if I should take myself to lunch today or not. I kind of want to hit a salad bar place, and I found one not too far from here. Maybe I’ll see if I can get *anything* even remotely work-like done, and then buy myself a salad to celebrate.

Yeah, so, I seem to have developed pregnancy-induced Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

(I had carpal tunnel problems years ago, working at a particularly horrific temp job, and had all kinds of physical therapy and crap on my wrists…none of which did as much good as quitting the horrible temp job. Apparently, from what I read, this will go away….a few weeks after the baby’s born. Yeah. Lovely.)

My left wrist started hurting a little a couple days ago, and my right one was a smidge achy the next day.

Now my left wrist has progressed to shooting pains if I pick anything up, turn it at all, or look at it meanly.

Gotta love the swelling and the hormones. Oh, no, wait, I don’t actually have to love them. I can keep bitching and bitching.

I do keep reminding myself that, as annoying pregnancy developments go, this is not a particularly terrible one. It could be much worse, and I’m glad it’s not. But still. I’m starting to think that my body does not love being pregnant.

= one awesome afternoon.

I just got back from lunch with Kermit! kermit & luckybuzz (& H)

(I probably don’t have to tell you that she’s the tall one on the left, and I’m the Giant Belly on the right.)

I am pleased to report that Kermit is even cuter in real life than she sounds on her blog.

We went to my favorite pho restaurant, and had what I would consider a wonderful lunch (though, Kermit, feel free to disagree). The pho was awesome, the spring rolls were yummy, the Thai iced tea had whipped cream, and we had virtually none of the awkward conversational pauses to which I am prone with new people. Good conversation, good weather, good food….yep. That was a damn fine blogger meetup. And best of all, I did *not* go into labor during our lunch. So yay for that.

I don’t want to get too cocky, but so far it’s been an uneventful Thursday. Today’s doctor visit was pretty smooth.

I learned that I’m continuing to gain weight pretty steadily, which is good, I guess, though I’m pretty much ready for that to start leveling off *any* time now. It does look like I’m determined to gain exactly the same amount of weight that my sisters gained with each of their (four, between them) pregnancies (which is also, oddly, the same giant amount my mom gained with her first pregnancy). Whatever. I’m trying to not obsess about it (though I probably didn’t need a frappucino *and* a muffin *after* lunch).

Everything else seemed pretty normal. I’m staying on the anti-contraction meds and continuing to “take it easy” for the next two weeks, at which point, apparently, I can just go ahead and do whatever the hell I want (at 36 weeks). So that’s encouraging.

I’m a little worried that I’m turning into “that pregnant lady,” though….the one who’s obsessively worried about every little twinge. Like, my blood pressure is normally really low. Today, it was still really low (by most standards), but was a little higher than it ever is for me. I thought that was weird, since the meds I take 4 times a day are actually blood pressure meds…so why would my bp be higher right now, when I’m on medication that should be lowering it? Apparently, though, no one is concerned about this but me, so I’m guessing that just means that I’ve officially become Annoying Pregnant Patient. Again, whatever. I’m getting through these next few weeks any way I can.

So. Now it’s another week and a half until my next doctor visit–the longest I’ve gone between them in over a month. I’m really hoping for an incredibly uneventful next couple of weeks, too.

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