If you’ve read this blog for more than a couple days, you’re probably aware that, in general, I’m a giant mass of phobias and neuroses. I have anxiety disorders, panic disorder, and heavy-on-the-O-OCD. I was managing these for the past few years with the help of awesome antidepressants and benzodiazepines, and getting by relatively okay. But, obviously, I’ve been off both of those since I got pregnant.

For the most part, things have been okay. GB tells me I’m doing great with handling my anxiety and panic, and I believe him–he would know better than I would, in a way, if I’m dealing all right in the day to day. I don’t really have a *plan* for managing these; I’ve just convinced myself that, since drugs aren’t an option right now, I have to be okay. And mostly, I am.

Some things are not so good for my mental state, though. Worrying about preterm labor? Not good. Being convinced that every twinge or cramp means Something Awful? Also not good. And prescription drugs are really super-duper not good for my head. Because I worry, you know? I freak out about side effects and interactions and I read and reread the drug info sheets, and I google for way too much information about freaky rare side effects, and I worry that I got the wrong pills from the pharmacist who maybe was distracted or something, and overall, taking lots of pills makes me into a big giant freak. (When I was on Klonopin for panic attacks, I’d take them for the attacks and they’d help—but every time I’d take one I’d spend 15 minutes worrying that I took the wrong pill, or took too much, or that for some reason this would be the time I’d have the freaky rare side effects. Yes, it’s fun being me.)

Where this is going is that, right now, I am taking six different medications a day. The one I’m taking four times a day (for the anti-contracting) is making me nauseated, dizzy, and tired (and maybe giving me heartburn–at least, I hope it’s heartburn and not a heart attack, you know?). The others are mostly just fucking me up psychologically. Can I take them all together? Should I be spreading them out more? Will they interact in some weird way? Should I have convinced GB to stay home in case I have some random reaction?

I am a freak. I’m wondering if I could just sleep for the next 12 hours or so, and not freak out about all this. (Probably not, since last night I couldn’t sleep more than an hour at a stretch.)

Okay. I’m going to pull it together. The anxiety, she is a tiresome companion.

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