March 2008


I had another doctor visit today for another non-stress test. H. still looks good–his heartrate is great, and he’s moving like he’s supposed to be. But apparently, I’m still having more Braxton-Hicks contractions than they’d like to see (especially, I guess, since I’m still taking medication that’s supposed to stop contractions). So–they’re not too worried, but they want me back in on Thursday for yet another NST and also for the FFN test.

Continued stay-put vibes for H. would be appreciated. It really doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere anytime soon, but I hate stressing about this all the time. Like, I was worried the whole time we were at the Avett Brothers show last night….though of course everything was fine. But the worrying sucks.

The Avett Brothers, on the hand, were absolutely freaking amazing. I had no idea they would be that super-fabulous live–it was really one of the best live shows I’ve been to in a long time. This is the kind of thing I thought they mostly did (which is still freaking fabulous, and was the song they opened with last night) , but damn–they have some seriously punky influences too, and they do a lot more jumping up and down than I thought. It was freaking great. Go see them if you can.

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As always, friends, thank you so much for all your awesomely kind and supportive comments. I don’t think I need to assign worry shifts just yet. I was fine last night–I watched TV, ate Thai food, played a lot of Scrabulous. I’m feeling much better about things today. (It probably helps that I’ve been taking the new meds for a couple days now, and nothing awful has happened. Still–taking 10 pills a day does stress me out. Mostly, it makes me feel very, very old.)

But today I’m good, so I’ll ride that out until my next freakout.

We’re supposed to go see a show in LA tonight. I’ve been debating whether or not to go. It’ll take us about an hour to drive there, and it’s a standing-room venue. But I’m pretty sure I can find a seat somewhere–if nothing else, I think they have a cafe, and I can always play the pregnant-lady card and find some floor space to sit, I’m sure. And we spent a bunch of money on the tickets already…so I think we’re going to give it a shot. (I wouldn’t have any qualms about going, if it weren’t for the recent preterm scare…now I’m all anxious and cautious about everything. I’m really hoping that subsides a bit, because I do not want to spend the next 10 weeks freaking out about everything I do.) Does anyone think this is a terrible idea? Because I’m pretty sure it’ll work out okay, but I’m open to alternate anxieties.

If you’ve read this blog for more than a couple days, you’re probably aware that, in general, I’m a giant mass of phobias and neuroses. I have anxiety disorders, panic disorder, and heavy-on-the-O-OCD. I was managing these for the past few years with the help of awesome antidepressants and benzodiazepines, and getting by relatively okay. But, obviously, I’ve been off both of those since I got pregnant.

For the most part, things have been okay. GB tells me I’m doing great with handling my anxiety and panic, and I believe him–he would know better than I would, in a way, if I’m dealing all right in the day to day. I don’t really have a *plan* for managing these; I’ve just convinced myself that, since drugs aren’t an option right now, I have to be okay. And mostly, I am.

Some things are not so good for my mental state, though. Worrying about preterm labor? Not good. Being convinced that every twinge or cramp means Something Awful? Also not good. And prescription drugs are really super-duper not good for my head. Because I worry, you know? I freak out about side effects and interactions and I read and reread the drug info sheets, and I google for way too much information about freaky rare side effects, and I worry that I got the wrong pills from the pharmacist who maybe was distracted or something, and overall, taking lots of pills makes me into a big giant freak. (When I was on Klonopin for panic attacks, I’d take them for the attacks and they’d help—but every time I’d take one I’d spend 15 minutes worrying that I took the wrong pill, or took too much, or that for some reason this would be the time I’d have the freaky rare side effects. Yes, it’s fun being me.)

Where this is going is that, right now, I am taking six different medications a day. The one I’m taking four times a day (for the anti-contracting) is making me nauseated, dizzy, and tired (and maybe giving me heartburn–at least, I hope it’s heartburn and not a heart attack, you know?). The others are mostly just fucking me up psychologically. Can I take them all together? Should I be spreading them out more? Will they interact in some weird way? Should I have convinced GB to stay home in case I have some random reaction?

I am a freak. I’m wondering if I could just sleep for the next 12 hours or so, and not freak out about all this. (Probably not, since last night I couldn’t sleep more than an hour at a stretch.)

Okay. I’m going to pull it together. The anxiety, she is a tiresome companion.

First, thank you all so much for your good thoughts and comments. Not to get all sappy n’ shit, but I am amazed by the awesomeness of my blogfriends. You all rock.

Second: the update. Things are looking MUCH better today. We saw the doctor today, and H. seems to be hanging in there just fine. It seems that I may have a small infection that caused the bleeding and contractions, so I’m on an antibiotic for that–but really, the words “you have an infection” have never sounded so good. We’re thrilled that that’s all it is, and I’m hoping that was the problem.

(As Canada suggested, water was also part of the problem; apparently I was a bit dehydrated when we got to the hospital yesterday. They loaded me up with water while we were there, and I’ve been trying to keep pushing the liquids….I really did think I’d been drinking a TON of water, but apparently it’s just not enough. GB and I went to Target after the doctor today and got me a 34oz Bubba Keg, so I’m really thinking that drinking out of that should do the trick.)

So. The doctor says I am very likely *not* going to go into labor tonight, and she gave GB the go-ahead to go to the Red Sox-Dodgers Exhibition game with Jason, which is good news. I’ll be here eating Thai food and watching TV (and not feeling guilty about not working) tonight, so Facebook friends–expect lots of Scrabulous from me.

So, GB and I spent today in the Labor & Delivery ward of the hospital.

First things first: I’m fine, and H. is totally fine and still inside. So those are very good things.

I was having a little bleeding when I woke up this morning, which I haven’t had throughout this pregnancy. I called my doctor’s office and they had us come in right away. They checked me out and determined that I didn’t seem to be in labor, but according to the non-stress test I was having irregular contractions, so they sent us over to the hospital (which, fortunately, is next door to my doctor’s office).

At the hospital they hooked me back up to the NST again and determined, over the next six hours, that I was, indeed, having irregular contractions, for no good reason. Most were pretty mild, but they were concerned because I felt a handful of them. They gave me two shots of a drug that was supposed to stop the contractions–no dice. Still going. Gave me a pill, supposedly stronger–still no go (or no stopping, I guess).

After six hours, they decided to send us home with a prescription for the pills and instructions to see my doctor tomorrow morning.

So we’re home, and fine, but it was a long, tiring, scary day. Fortunately GB hadn’t gone into work yet when this all started (because Jason is here visiting–bad timing on that one), so he was able to spend the whole day at the hospital with me, watching Law & Order.

Thank god for TNT. Seriously.

So. It’s now 6pm, I’m eating my first meal of the day, and I’m off to bed in a minute.

If y’all wouldn’t mind keeping fingers crossed, thinking good thoughts, and/or praying, if that’s your thing, we’d appreciate it. I think things are fine, but we really would like H. to stay in for at least another 6 weeks or so. Even 4 weeks would be nice. Thanks. I’ll keep you posted.

I think I’ve mentioned before (once or twice) that GB and I have the Best. Friends. Ever.

Seriously. In Homestate, in East Coast City, in San Francisco, and the random rogue people scattered around the country…I can’t believe how much they rock. I can’t believe how incredibly cool and generous and kind and freaking hilarious all of my friends are.

We went to San Francisco this weekend for a baby shower. About 10 of our SF people contributed to buy our plane tickets to fly us up. It was absolutely freaking awesome. They totally decorated for the shower–“It’s a Boy” banners alongside pink bootie decorations on the table, tons of food, homemade cupcakes (I ate four, over the weekend. Four!), easter eggs that held little bottles of booze and vicodin pills (the pregnant lady’s egg just had a Butterfinger chocolate egg, either sadly or fortunately, depending on your perspective), games of trivia about friends, a peep decorating contest (with prizes for the fiercest peep and the biggest “hot tranny mess”) and a few rounds of “I Never.” Maybe I can say it better with pictures…

Julie McCoy picked us up at the airport, and we went directly here, for the subs I dream about:

Then we went to M. & D.’s for the party and more human contact (for me) in 24 hours than I usually get in a month. There were…maybe 15 people at the party? I can’t find bloggable photos of the whole scene so much, but Hank got some absolutely awesome gifts, including this t-shirt (which, if you know the SF people, is even more perfect than it seems):

Prizes for the games were in keeping with the drunk/easter/GB & LB’s baby shower theme:

Sunday afternoon,  we went this gigantic easter party in the park. This is definitely a quintessentially SF experience:

Our friend’s band played (to what–I believe–may have been their biggest crowd ever; dudes, there were thousands (and thousands) of people in that park), and dedicated a song to H.  How cool is that?

Anyway. It was amazing. Our friends seriously rock.

And it cemented our decision to move back. So, after GB gets Bar results back (in May), I think he’ll start the job search in the Bay Area. We can’t move until our lease is up at the end of September, but if we can find him a job there? I think it’s going to happen. Fingers crossed that we can raise H. in the right part of California!

I have a lot of performance anxiety lately. I can tell it’s worse than usual because I’m even avoiding memes that ask me to be a tiny bit creative.

But life_of_a_fool tagged me for the six word memoir, and I figured, what the hell. My career isn’t riding on this, right? (Unlike some other things I could be–and am not–writing.)

So here it is:

Instructions:

1. Write your own six word memoir

2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere (link to the original post seems to be gone)

4 Tag five more blogs with links

5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

And here’s my six-word-memoir:

Can I keep this buzz around? 

 

(Yes, the line is  a song lyric, and yes, it’s also the tagline of my blog. But there’s a reason for that. It works for me on a lot of levels. And the photo there, of course, is me and the boys in the Bumper Pool Basement. God damn. I miss those boys, and that basement, so much it’s a little painful. Sigh.)

Anyway. Okay. I’m supposed to tag people. I think most people have done this now….I’ll tag (with no pressure) CRSE, skycatCanada, Weezy, and Kermit.

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