The (Ex)Advisor finally wrote me back! Amazing! After only six weeks and three emails! Let’s consider the email, shall we?
Hi Luckybuzz, (so far so good)
…..I’ll write the [longshot fellowship] letter. (No mention of the sure-thing fellowship letter, which will still require recommendations…not sure if this needs to be followed up or not, now.)
…[Things are crazy at new U. because we’re] in the middle of searching for a junior professor in [Not Our Field]. When things calm down, I plan to read what you’ve sent and send comments. (Aha! So he’s not just sitting there hating my chapters. Instead, he has yet to look at my chapters. I suspected as much, but this confirmation is good, actually. My (Ex)Advisor is heavily motivated by guilt. If he’s had the chapters for two months by the time he reads them, I’m hoping he’ll be guilt-ridden and kinder than the chapters warrant.)
No problem at all about my demotion to committee member. (I know he means this in a non-snarky way, but it made me laugh anyway.)
I hope you’re doing well. How’s pregnancy treating you? Are you writing? (Ex)Advisor
See, the (Ex)Advisor is a nice guy. He really is. But how about that last little guilt-poke? Am I writing? I’m not, actually. I’m completely, totally, utterly stuck. I’ve had no feedback on anything I’ve written. Nothing. I wrote one chapter last year, and he gave me helpful comments and told me to not use it as a chapter. Since then? No feedback. From any of my committee members. Which, in a way, is good–because at least they’re not telling me how much I suck (yet). But it’s making the going-on seem kind of hard. Mostly because, like my idol Maggie May, I really, really need other people to convince me I’m worthy. Or even okay.
So. Today I pulled more sources (I use the term *very* loosely) into my notes for this next chapter. And…that’s about all I’ve done. Maybe tomorrow I will actually write something. Then again, maybe tomorrow will be the day that monkeys finally fly out of my butt.