Prelude: I am incredibly emotional and hormonal and weepy today. Like, uncontrollably.
So I’m struggling with the writing when my mom calls. During the brief conversation, she mentions that she’s leaving on Wednesday to go visit my sister, and that my dad is driving up to my sister’s state to see them.
I instantly turn into a giant emotional spaz. I hear myself whining that no one told me they were all getting together, and I’m lonely and I miss my family, dammit, and my mom probably doesn’t even want to come out here in January as we’d (tentatively) planned or she’d already have made plans for it (don’t ask–it made sense at the time), and none of them really cares how I feel, anyway.
It was really, really pathetic. I knew it was pathetic, and I just couldn’t stop it.
So then I have to call my mom back a little later and apologize for being a freak and assure her that I couldn’t work it out to come out there anyway, and I’m fine, really.
So I should not have been at all surprised to get another call from her (while I was trying to nap, which was even worse)* letting me know that she looked at airfares! And they can fly me to Sister-state for only about $200! Which is so cheap! So should they buy the ticket?
Well. The thing is, probably not. Because aside from being a giant emotional freak about missing my family and all, I am even more of a giant emotional neurotic freak about a) flying without GB; b) flying while pregnant; c) flying; and d) leaving GB. At all. For any length of time.
So I’m all, uh, I don’t know….and she says, I understand if you can’t do it…let me know.
Fucking hell. So now what do I do?
Option A: Let them buy the ticket, fly to sister-state without GB**, spend four-ish days there with my mom, dad, and sister. Freak out (a lot–I don’t want to minimize the freaking-out this will entail) about flying and leaving GB here. During this time I will not be able to work on the dissertation at all. My chances of finishing this chapter by the fellowship deadline are close to zero. But I’ll get to see my mom, my dad, and my sister (and my niece and nephews–the grownup ones).
Option B: Tell them I am a big loser-freak and I can’t do it. Miss mom, dad, and sister. Worry about my dad’s health and age and when I’ll see him (though he just told me he’s seriously considering moving here–to my part of this state, if not my actual town). Feel guilty about making my mom sad. See mom in January (if she makes it out here) and sister in February (she’s already got a visit here scheduled). On the flip side: no freaking out about flying, or leaving. Chapter should get done on schedule.*** Fellowship will be applied for and hopefully gotten for next year.
To me, it really doesn’t seem like an obvious choice. I’m not really sure about the right thing to do here. Ideas? Suggestions? Advice on digging out of this hormonal quagmire?
*OMG. You know how much I usually love sleeping? Yeah, not so much lately. I have these intense, anxious dreams where I can’t get things done that need to get done, and I feel like I’m awake watching these dreams as movies all night. And then I wake up pretty much every hour. I am not loving the trying to sleep these past couple weeks, and I’m not sure I’m expecting that to get better anytime soon.
**The original project GB was working on ended (unexpectedly) yesterday, but they’ve decided to rehire him (as part of a VERY small group) for the second part of the project, until the 21st. This is good news. It also means that he’ll probably be working more normal hours, with less overtime, in the next two weeks–and probably no Sundays! Which is another reason I’d kind of like to be around next weekend–since he should be off, for most of it.
***My goal has been 1000 words a day. Yesterday I kicked ass: over 1500 words. Today I’m not doing quite so hot, but I’m at 877 words so far. 1000 is my goal, but ideally, obviously, much more would be better. I’m hoping to come close to 1500 today, but damn, it’s slow going.