December 2007

My New Year’s resolution for 2008 is “adequacy”.

It  started as a joke, talking to Aunt B. over Christmas. Aunt B. is big on the resolutions, and together she, GB and I have come up with some great ones. When she asked what mine was for this year, I said, without really thinking, “This year, I don’t want to overachieve. I don’t really want to underachieve, either. I just want to be completely mediocre in my achievements.”

And then I started thinking, you know, that might be the perfect resolution for me for 2008. Vowing to be amazingly brilliant and productive never gets me anywhere but frustrated and angry with myself. So this year, I resolve to do exactly what I need to do to get by, in all areas.

Dissertation: I need to just finish it. It doesn’t have to be brilliant. It doesn’t even have to be interesting. I just have to convince three people (my committee) that it’s sufficient. Which means it does need to get written.

Baby: I am going to continue eating when and what I want to eat, sleeping when I’m tired, and trying to enjoy (and not rush) these last few baby-less months. And then? I am going to try to be a perfectly adequate mother. If I happen to be a good mother, eventually, that’ll be awesome. But for now, when it scares the crap out of me, I’m going to work on taking it a step at a time.

Life In General: Yep. Adequate. That’s what I’m aiming for.

I know. It sounds lame. And I’m not really explaining it the way it is in my head. But it makes sense to me, and it gives me something to counteract the brain-critic that constantly tells me I’m not good enough. Hey, brain-critic? Shut up. I’m doing fine.

To “Good Enough” in 2008!


(In what I can only assume is a Bloggy Christmas Miracle, I found this post in my drafts. When I lost this post the other day, I checked my drafts, and it wasn’t there. So hooray. My waste of time was not wasted.)

Here’s another recycled meme. Warning: It’s very long, and it repeats some of the other end-of-the-year memes.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Got knocked up. And presented at the Big Damn Conference. And camped in the Adirondacks. And ate oysters. Oh, and had sex with Bad Idea. Hee!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t really make any, I don’t think…I think I wanted to stop freaking out so much, and in a weird way, that’s worked out. I’m still freaking out, but less anxious and panicky (even without the Lexapro), which is good.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

In 2007? Hmmm, I don’t think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No (*knocking wood vigorously*)

5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries–lots of U.S. states.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A PhD, and the baby. Oh, and enough money to live on.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Hmm…nothing too huge that’s related to a specific date. The Buzzlet was conceived on GB’s birthday (yes, despite having tons of TTC-sex, I do know which date it was), so that one kind of stands out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Probably the Big Damn Conference presentation. And *finally* getting some dissertation chapters written.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I should have much more written by now than I do.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Still some panic attacks and anxiety, but they’ve been better since I quit drinking. The OCD has been pretty minimal, too. Nothing much, then, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Um..that’s a tough one. I’m happy we rented this apartment, if that counts.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
GB graduated from law school, which is pretty awesome. The cats have (for now) stopped peeing on everything, which makes me extremely happy.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Happily, I really can’t think of anyone.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. And a lot of that wasn’t even ours. And, for awhile there, BPAL.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Camping was especially fun this year. And I really threw myself into the whole making-a-baby thing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Jens Lekman’s “Black Cab” (thanks, Phantom!). Whiskeytown’s “Dancing with the Women at the Bar” (and a bunch of other Whiskeytown and Ryan Adams songs). And, for reasons I can’t quite explain (since I’ve known the song since I was 16), the Rolling Stones’ “Star Star.”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Sadder, in many ways; happier in some others. Compared to December 2006, about the same weight–I lost the 40 pounds just in time to start gaining back baby. Ending the year a tiny bit richer, just because of GB’s current contract.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Relaxing. Camping. Dancing. Happy drugs. (Last year’s answers still work for me–though I’ll add “writing” and “happy drunk kissing with friends”.)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. Panicking. Beating myself up for nearly everything I’m doing/not doing/not doing fast enough.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With GB’s family again. It was supposed to be with my family this year, but finances intervened. It’ll be nice, anyway.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Not really, though I honestly do keep liking GB more and more.
22. How many one-night stands?
One. Yes, I’m counting it.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
We’ve watched almost the whole Oz series recently, which has been great. We watched Dead Like Me, too. And The Office, of course.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

25. What was the best book you read?
I can’t think of a book I read that wasn’t dissertation-related. Damn. That’s sad.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Me, not so much. GB went all crazy on iTunes and Limewire and made a million new musical discoveries, most of which I benefit from. I’ve been very happy with Bellwether, who were new to me this year. Oh, and I almost forgot Jens Lekman!

27. What did you want and get?
Well, after sometime in June I wanted to get pregnant, and that worked out (*knock knock*). I wanted to move to California, and got that too (though I should have maybe been more specific about what I was asking for). Oh, and we got our iPods at the beginning of the year.

28. What did you want and not get?
A PhD.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
God, I have no idea. This headache is killing me and I can’t remember any movies…(Which is a little insane, because I think that’s really all we did.)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 36. Had a fabulous birthday with GB, and spent the weekend with Trixie and G-Love.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I meant to finish the diss and get on the job market this year, but whatever. Having any local friends in the last third of the year would have helped.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Uh, yeah. That’s funny. I’ve been wearing BPAL t-shirts all year, and for the past month I’ve worn the same pair of sweatpants pretty much nonstop. “Fashion,” I have none.

33. What kept you sane?
GB and the cats. Music. Movies. Talking to my sister on the phone. And, again, my mom’s generous and frequent checks.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
As always, my Johnny Depp love continues unabated.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Um. Right. I keep reminding myself there is a world outside of my worried little brain. (last year’s answer, sadly still accurate.)

36. Who did you miss?
My sisters, Skycat and the Yogini, and my Hometown Women (there are more of them, but they don’t all have blogs…or at least, they won’t tell me about them).

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I got to meet Phantom (AND her Amazing Offspring) AND Canada this year!
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

Moving sucks.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Tough one. I can think of several. The first that came to mind was “tonight the bottle let me down,” but I also feel pretty good going with the concise, yet perfect, “Oh no, god damn.”

I am not drinking one of Aunt B.’s amazing (-looking) rum drinks.

I am not adding rum to my eggnog.

I did drink a little less than half of a Guinness,  which may have been the best beverage that has ever crossed my lips. Seriously. It was amazing. And gone very quickly.

Otherwise, I am drinking Perrier and trying to get in the spirit. With no spirits.

I can’t wait for next Christmas.

Still, there’s plenty of food, and that’s good. And more family just showed up. Hope y’all are warm and enjoying whatever holiday beverages you’re drinking.

  • We’re at GB’s family’s house–got here yesterday.
  • It’s nice–the whole family is here. GB’s mom and dad and grandma and grandpa (who live here), and Aunt B. from the Other Coast, and Uncle J. and his two little kids (the Small Blond Cousins). And Uncle B. and his family live here in town. It’s nice to see the whole Bob family together.
  • Though it makes me feel downright swarthy. As I might have mentioned, they are all So Very Blond.
  • I don’t think my child stands a chance against the Very Blond Genes.
  • Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  • GB’s dad was completely convinced the baby was going to be a girl, and is refusing to believe otherwise. He says he’s holding out for the next ultrasound. I told him it was fairly certain already, and he suggested that maybe, if it is a boy, he could be gay. Which made me laugh, because that’s totally what I keep saying.
  • Except I don’t say it with the fake lisp that rides the very fine line between “fine with it” and “homophobe.” Which is unfortunate, because GB’s parents (unlike mine) really would be totally fine with having a gay grandson.
  • I mean, Queen is GB’s mom’s favorite band.
  • I suggested she start looking for Queen onesies for the baby.
  • I just did my daily visiting-the-family walk to Walmart. There’s really nowhere else to walk to around here, and even that walk (maybe a mile and half or two miles, both ways) did me in today.
  • It also put me in a semi-murderous rage. Why did I think that store would be a place I should go today (or ever)? Why, on top of it, did I feel the need to eat a Mcnugget “happy meal” while I was there?
  • We brought two of the cats with us–the Little Cat and the Big Talker. They hissed and growled at each other all night and I did almost no sleeping. Yep, gettin’ ready for that baby early.
  • They do love visiting grandma’s house, though.
  • I think the family just got back from playing tennis (have I mentioned just how much of an outsider I really am here? In some ways. Not the ways that matter, though.), and I think there’s barbecuing in the dinner plans. Gotta love southern (well, central) California.
  • I’ll check back in when I can…interneting may be sporadic. Happy early christmas, if you’re into that kind of thing. Happy sunday, if you’re not.

I was almost done with re-doing this gigantic New Year’s meme from last year, when I hit some random button on my keyboard (I am usually a spaz, and pregnancy has really made this worse, much to GB’s constant amusement) and lost the whole freaking post.

It was a long-ass post.

Whatever.  I’ll let it go. But I’m also pouty because I feel like shit today. I woke up with what I assume is a cold–a headache, sore throat, and a little bit of a dry cough. I promptly decided to just go ahead and bring the laptop to bed with me and commit to spending the day lying around. Except I’ve been feeling too crappy to enjoy lying around, so instead of watching movies like I planned (Netflix has a ton of the “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” on their watch-on-demand thing), I’ve been dozing off and on, watching the news (why is the news on all day?), and trying to work on this fellowship application.

I’m also trying to remember why we thought it was a good idea to not get cable. That was some bad planning.

Anyway. The headache got bad enough for awhile to freak me out, and then I called my mom for sympathy, and she was all, “Do you have other symptoms? Because I hope it’s not toxemia.” (Uh, thanks, Mom.) I finally broke down and took some Tylenol, drank a bunch of water, and went back to sleep, and now it’s back to just being a manageable headache. But it’s still making me grumpy.

The application is coming along, though, mostly because I’ve stopped caring about it. Apparently this internal fellowship is “virtually assured” if my advisor approves my chapters, so I’m less worried about it. The other is a longshot anyway, so I’ve decided to just not care either way.

(Here’s a random fellowship-related question, though: the guidelines for the internal fellowship ask for a statement of purpose “not to exceed 1000 words.” Do you think they’re serious about this? I saw a copy of my friend’s winning application from last year for this same fellowship, and hers was twice that long. Mine right now is about 1800 words…do I really need to cut to 1000? I’m happy to do that, but is that just ridiculously short? How much of what they say do they actually mean?)

So. I’m grumpy. I feel like shit. I’ve barely gotten out of bed all day. And I’m clearly feeling whiny. Anybody else got anything exciting going on?

So, I was looking back at my New Year’s posts from last year, thinking that maybe I’d do a few of the end-of-the-year memes again. I thought it might be fun (for me, anyway–you’re free to stop reading at any time) to revisit this one from last year, to get an idea of how my projections for 2007 actually turned out. I’ll add updates for 2008, too, I think. 2007 answers are in italics. Updates and 2008 projections are in normal type.

In 2007…(or 2008)

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Yes. I should be on the job market next fall. (Terrifying event of 2007 #1. This is why I just do quizzes now.)

Well, no. Job market got pushed back to next year. But I will *definitely* be on the job market this coming fall.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Nope, though I’ll still–as always–be open to friends who want to get drunk and naked with me.

Yep. Ditto for 2008. Though I’d like to make more friends.

3. New house?
Probably. Depends where GB gets a job after his graduation in May–we could be moving to a new state. Or not. (Terrifying 2007 event #2. Ack. Ack. Ack.)

Yep, we moved. Lived through that, thankfully. Might move again next year, depending how the fellowships work out.

4. What will you do different in 07?
I’ll try to freak out less, but we’ll see how that goes. I’ll work more. And maybe, depending on the whole GB-job-situation, I *might* have more money.

Freaking out less…well, in some ways, I guess that worked out. I did work more this year, finally. No more money yet, but that should, hopefully, come through in 2008. In 2008 what will I do differently? Uh, pretty much everything, from June on, I’m thinking.

5. New Years resolution?
Mostly to finish the freaking dissertation, which seems–right this minute–completely un-doable to me. Feeling kind of overwhelmed, in case that wasn’t clear.

Well, diss isn’t finished, but progress has been made. 2008 will see me finish it, for sure. *fingers crossed* *no jinxes*

6. What will you not be doing in 07?
Hopefully not slacking as much. And I’d be thrilled to leave the panic attacks behind…

I slacked a lot, and had panic attacks, but I’m getting better, slowly. In 2008 what won’t I be doing? Drinking, mainly. Sigh.

7. Any trips planned?
Sure. Going to see my mom and my sister (and her new baby) in four days. Trips to California over the summer, probably, and next Christmas. Big Giant Conference again, in November. Lots of kinda-local fieldwork trips. Probably more that I’m forgetting right now…

Those were good trips. No big ones planned now. I am missing the Yogini & Skycat and all my Hometown Women terribly, and I would love to go see them, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen anytime soon. I would love, love, love to go see the East Coasters too, but again–I’m not sure that’ll happen until I go back to introduce them to the New Little Guy.

8. Wedding plans?
Hell no!

Happily, no for 2008 as well.

9. Major thing on your calendar?
GB’s graduation in May–whoohoo! (And if he actually has a job by then, that “whoohoo” might even be a WHOOOHOOO.) And all kinds of dissertation-related deadlines that I’m not going to talk about because, like I said, I am currently FREAKING OUT.

That’d be the baby, in June. Also trying for a complete draft of the diss by June, and wondering if it might be possible to shoot for a November graduation….

10. What can’t you wait for?
It’ll be nice to get some resolution on the job stuff–mine and GB’s. Though our current slackerliness about job hunting is worrisome. And I really, really miss my big sister…and I’m looking forward to seeing her sometime this spring.

Again, I still miss my big sis, and I’m looking forward to seeing her in February. Other than that, I can’t wait to meet the baby.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I would like to see me get off my ass and write my goddamn dissertation, already.

Yep. Ditto for 2008.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I’d like to develop some work habits that actually work. And I’ve got about 10 pounds I’d like to lose. Oh, and I really need to stop being such a completely paranoid OCD freakazoid.

Working on the work habits. Lost all the weight I wanted to, just in time to start gaining it all back again. OCD, paranoia, and freakazoid-ness seem much better since I quit drinking, actually.

13. What happened in 06 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
The Hitchin’!

In 2007? Uh, that would be getting pregnant. I so did not see that coming.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
No. I plan to be crueler to the people I care about. (Seriously, what kind of question is that? Yeah, I plan to be nicer. I’m way too mean to people I care about, for real, and I will totally aim to change that. But it’s still a lame question.)

Yep. Same answer for 2008.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06?
Nope, though I might have to dress a little nicer.

Well, I’ll be in maternity clothes for the first half of it, so yeah, I’m thinking so.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
Nah. I’m already drinking less than I ever have in my entire adult life. I can’t see “quitting” drinking. I’m not a quitter, man.

Ha! Ha, I say! Oh, 2006 self, little did you know. But yes, I will “start” drinking in 2008–I vow to have a drink before the end of next year.


17. Will you better your relationship with your family?

Working on it. Relationship with my dad (really, the most consistently distant one) is improving–having the kid has turned him back into My Biggest Fan. That’s nice.

18. Will you do charity work?
Not really in the plan for the year. I *am* a freaking charity right now.

Yeah, not so much.

19. Will you go to bars?
Yeah, hopefully more than this year. I miss my bar. Oh, and Bad Idea is bartending there sometimes now, so I’ll probably go a bit more often.

Oh, god, I hope so. Sigh. I miss bars. I miss drinking. I miss Bad Idea.

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I’m already as nice as people I don’t know deserve.


21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you?
I do, though I’m consumed with fear about the giant changes it will probably bring. Terrified, but optimistic.

2007 was a good year. I’m hoping for great things from 2008.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
Well, going to the gym was probably the biggest change. And losing the second boyfriend was a big one, and changed a lot about my relationship with GB (in good ways). So yeah. There have been changes.

Pretty big changes, through 2007. Moved, lost all my (local) friends, quit the Lexapro, quit drinking, got pregnant, presented (sober) at the Big Damn Conference…that was a freaking eventful year.

23. Do you plan on having a child?

Ha! Uh, yeah.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Yeah, of course–though I’m not sure where I’ll end up living, so some of the locals might (or might not) become long-distance friends. But I’m pretty good with long-distance friends. (crse and skycat, you can both stop laughing.)

I miss my friends.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Again, having more money would be a welcome lifestyle change…

See above…

26. Will you be moving?

Don’t make me say it again!

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 07 that happened in 06?
Well, I think not getting married again would be good.

Ideally, I would like to not get pregnant again. I would also like to not move somewhere far away from any friends, but that doesn’t seem likely to happen again, as I have no friends here (yet–wait, I’ll probably regret those words).

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Hung out at the Squirrel’s with the SoapStar, Bad Idea, two of the Squirrel’s other friends, and GB. It was fun–tequila shots and great music. Nice.

None. I think it’ll just be me and GB. We tried (not very hard) to convince Jason to come out here for NYE, but that’s not happening. I’d love to go spend it with Skycat and the Yogini or the Hometown Women, but that’s not happening, either. We’ll be back from GB’s family’s. So yeah. Maybe we’ll go to dinner or something.

Sigh. I miss my life.

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Yep, I kissed GB, and hugged everyone else. I do miss having friends who want to kiss me, but it was nice anyway.

GB, insha’allah, and thankfully.

30. One wish for 07?
To chill the fuck out. In a good way.

My wish for ’08: continuing happiness, a healthy baby, and more friends/seeing my friends more, dammit.

I noticed that Jane did the year-in-review meme, and I remembered that I did it last year, so I thought, what the hell, maybe I’ll try it again.

The deal, as I understood it last year:

1) Harken back to your archives.
2) Collect the first sentence you wrote every month for the whole year.
3) Entertain us.

January: Yes, it’s what I expected, but still…I kind of thought my social ineptitude score might be a little lower.

February: A meme, of course.

March: I’ve been threatening to do this for awhile, but I think it’s finally time. (That would be switching to WordPress.)

April: Shrinky wants to see pictures of people’s desktops, and that happens to be something I particularly like seeing, too…I love that little glimpse into people’s everyday worlds.

May: I. Hate. Fieldnotes.

June: days until we move: 38

July: As seen absolutely everywhere. I thought this was especially funny: “No-one actually knows the REAL you, do they?”

August: We’re still in Hometown State, which is about a quarter of the way to California.

September: Because I like westerns, too.)

October: CRSE tagged me–well, not just me, and if you’re on her blogroll you’re tagged too–for a desktop meme.

November: What I really, really want for dinner: mashed potatoes, onion rings, PopTarts.

December: Is it just me, or is eating at Subway just a little too close to actually having to make your own sandwich?

You know what? I don’t think that was at all representative of my year. Weird, because last year’s seemed pretty right. I think, since I have those archives open, I’m going to try something different: the blog-post title for each month that’s most representative. (Because, yeah, I am clearly done working for the day.)

January: Return of the Dangerous Mood
February: Well, maybe I’m a *little* anxious

March: Ow, my head. Here’s a meme.

April: Wooing is exhausting.

May: Dude, I married a lawyer.

June: I am totally easy.

July: fuck. (first line: I’m not ready to leave here.)

August: Why GB is such a freaking rockstar

September: home sweet home.

October: I need closer friends. Who can cook. (Tied with “We have a Buzzlet!“)

November: Whiskeytown makes me cry lately.

December: I’m inclined to say it’s “good enough”

Yeah, that was a little better. Time consuming, but better.
(Stay tuned: I’m pretty sure I’m going to revisit the giant-ass New Year’s Meme very soon…)

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