I’m stressing out about the impending onset of InaDWriMo. It hasn’t even started yet, and I’m already convinced that there is No. Fucking. Way. I’m going to be able to write 200 words, let alone 20,000. What the hell was I thinking? I have fallen off the horse. The horse is gone. I have no more horse. Thus, there will be no writing (you’re following this lame, extended metaphor, right?).
But seriously. Why am I psyching myself out already? Yes, I have not been so good about writing the diss….and yes, that is seriously an understatement. But I wrote the conference paper (such as it is…it still needs to be edited down to a more reasonable length and I really need to start practicing it), so clearly it’s not like I’m physically incapable of writing at all. So what is this block that’s making me freak out, already, about the prospect of trying to write the dissertation?
I know all the standard reasons and potential fixes for writer’s block. I know that my rampant perfectionism, my sheer terror of being Found Out (as an imposter, of course) and my guilt about already having failed at deadlines is an evil combination that makes me feel like it’s just not even worth trying. But that’s ridiculous, and I know it. I know that the only way through this thing to those three shiny letters at the end is to just write the goddamn diss. I know that I’ve already done all the research (despite this nagging feeling that I really haven’t done any actual “research”) and I’ve done all the fieldwork (despite feeling like all I have is a bunch of crappy impressions and notes). I know what the overall trajectory of the diss is. I have an outline of the whole thing, I have a plan for dealing with the chapters thematically in a way that’s kind of cool and interesting (uh, I hope).
(Sorry….abrupt break in the thought-flow here. But damn, that chow mein was good.)
Anyway. Yeah. I need to just pull my shit together and start. And I’m hoping that InaDWriMo will give me the (gentle) kick in the ass I need for this.
(Ow, my tummy. Must stop binging. Maybe I’ll work on that in November, too.)