Goddamn. I am so tired of these dreams.
I’ve had anxiety dreams every single night for the past…well, pretty much since we left the east coast. It’s getting old.
Some are clearly about a specific topic: my advisor sadly shaking his head at my lack of progress; colleagues in my program telling me they’re defending their dissertations, and how is mine coming?; presenting nonexistent chapters at Big Scary Colloquia; realizing that Giant Conference (where I’m presenting a paper in November) is actually, you know, tomorrow. Classic anxiety dreams, and it’s clear that these are my subconscious prodding me to actually DO SOMETHING about the dissertation. The mystery to me, on these, is why I wake up and proceed to waste the entire day when all I have to do is SOMETHING to make myself feel a little better.*
But the other dreams…goddamn. Last night it was giant (like, King Kong sized) gorillas–camouflaged as trees–in Fancy Pants University Town; and trying to meet up with the Yogini and Bad Idea–separately–and realizing too late that I don’t live near either of them; and endlessly attempting to return phone calls; and trying to kick six people out of the bathroom while I was trying to shower (though my sister did give me some conditioner, which was nice); and a wall of boxes blocking the hallway to my apartment (okay, not so hard to figure out). And that was just last night. But they’re all like that–every night, all night.
A few nights ago I had a dream so complicated, annoying, and anxious that by the end of the dream (while George W. Bush was twirling a four-foot-long wooden cross in the hotel lobby behind me) I was searching desperately for a comment card, just so I could complain to someone.
*But the other part of the problem is that I’m waiting to be in our own apartment (Friday!), and I’m stuck. I can’t even imagine how to begin to progress, right now. I know–just write something. But I’m at the point where I literally can’t even think about the diss–I try, and my brain just shuts it off. I am praying to every god listening that the change in environment next week will let me start some good habits. For fuck’s sake.