January 2007


So I reinstalled XP. That, in itself, is a nightmare, of which I will spare you the gory details…but let’s just say that there really are times that the OCD comes in handy.*

So okay. Reinstall complete. Got all the software and hardware reinstalled. And everything works…sort of.

The internet is So. Fucking. Slow. What is the *deal*? I’m not sure if it’s a problem with Firefox, or a problem with my wireless connection, so I’ve spent the past 24 hours** trying to fix both, just in case. It’s weird–some things work fine, and others just don’t work at all. Most websites: fine. Anything that involves submitting a form: nothing. Sage reader: nope. Gmail? Intermittently. My school website? Only during hours that have an “R” in them.

It is, to say the least, frustrating.

So, in desperation, I tried branching out, and I downloaded Opera.*** Which works, except when it doesn’t, and sometimes it’s okay for sites that don’t work in Firefox, and sometimes it’s not.

And you know what else? I just posted this freaking post, and there was a bunch more crap here, and then I went to my blog and–hey! A bunch of it was gone. That’s just great. That’s just totally freaking perfect.

I am not happy.

Needless to say, I also can’t really read blogs (and it’s sad, actually, how totally cut off that makes me feel). So. I’m here, I’m trying to communicate with y’all, and I’m just having no luck all around.

*The doctor finally got back to me about the meds…I probably won’t get to actually talk to her until Thursday, but I’m thinking I may be able to get on Lexapro instead. Keep body parts crossed for me, because I am through being Celexa’s bitch.

** Except for that part tonight when I went to my first class of the semester and realized, holy crap, I signed on for WAY too much this time around…how the hell do you people teach a million classes AND write? I need to know!

***Apparently, trying to link to the Opera site breaks my post, erases my text, and puts random links where I don’t want them. I. Hate. Computers.

Thanks to Canada for checking in to see if I was dead. I’m not, but it’s been a rough couple of days….

  • The Celexa has been *rough*. I started it at 10mg (half a “regular” dose), and pretty much felt like I was dying all day Friday. Seriously–that was some uncomfortable shit, and I’m being incredibly understated about it. By Friday night I was freaked out about taking any more, so I went down to 5mg for the weekend, which was better. I’m trying to go back up *gradually* now. I emailed my crazymeds doctor about switching to Lexapro, but haven’t heard back from her…I was going to call her but I got all distracted because:
  • The Celexa-induced misery of Thursday and Friday was followed by some generic illness on Saturday and Sunday. Was it related to the Celexa? Maybe. I’ve had a sore throat, a bit of a cough, and a general crappy feeling. Well, of course I do–the new semester starts on Tuesday.
  • I spent the last 24 hours re-installing Windows XP. Pain. In. The. Ass. I’ve got it almost all set up now, but–guess what?–this fresh reinstall STILL didn’t fix the CD problem that made me reinstall in the first place. As God is my witness, this is my last PC ever.
  • Did I mention that the new semester starts Tuesday, and I haven’t done any work in the past four days or so? I also haven’t been to the gym in…damn. A while. I’m hoping that starting up with this new schedule will help get me back on track.
  • Speaking of the new schedule, it’s going to be a serious adjustment. This semester, I was on campus…um, maybe once every two weeks. This semester? I’ll be there at least four days a week. I know, poor me and all, but it’s going to be a shock to my system.
  • I have blogs to catch up on. I will, eventually, once my computer is right again…in the meantime, I’m thinking friendly bloggy thoughts in all of your directions.
  • Damn. I forgot how much starting Celexa sucks. I remember having really uncomfortable side effects when I first went on it (five years ago), but a lot of that had faded. But oh, yeah, now I remember. You know that feeling when you take an, um, illicit substance (let’s say, hypothetically, one whose name starts with a letter between “D” and “F”), before it actually kicks in, when it feels like tiny fires are starting in your brain and traveling through your nervous system? I’ve pretty much felt like that for the past couple days. Then I woke up at 5am this morning feeling like my body temperature was hovering around 120 degrees. I stood out on the enclosed porch for awhile (real temperature last night: 5 degrees outside the window I was pressing my face against) trying to cool down. Klonopin and an hour on alt.support.anxiety-panic finally chilled me out (figuratively and literally) enough to go back to sleep. But, I repeat, damn. I look forward to the seratonin leveling out.
  • I need to make a few adjustments to the Son of Dangerous Mood mix, and then I need to try to burn them on GB’s computer, because despite too many hours of googling, I can’t figure out how to fix my CD drive. But I’ll get them out as soon as possible. And thanks for asking for copies…it warms my cockles.
  • Can anyone tell me where, exactly, my cockles are located? And is there a physiological use for the cockle?
  • The Advisor met with a bunch of us soon-to-be-orphaned grad students today. Despite a rocky beginning (i.e., “I’m thinking I won’t continue on any of your committees,” followed by a roomful of stunned silence), things improved somewhat. It looks like–for right now, anyway–he’s going to continue as my Chair. But I need to finish this thing soon.
  • I can’t think of anything else I need to update. I’m thinking about napping. Will nap-desire outweigh nap-guilt? It usually does.

Procrastination does pay off, I guess; I’m no closer to the PhD, but I do have a new Dangerous Mood mix.

(Although my computer’s CD player decided to just up and die, which is problematic. I’ll eventually burn this to CD on GB’s computer, but for now I’m just listening to it on iTunes. I’m also not positive if this is the final version…I’ll have to let it mellow for awhile to see what works and what doesn’t. But if you wanted a copy–and if you don’t, I swear I’ll try not to be offended–I’ll get one to you soon, but technical problems are standing in my way right now.)

(Also, apologies for not including everyone’s suggestions. At first, I thought I would, and that it would be this great collaborative blogger project. And I still think that’s a great idea…but I needed this mix to be heavier on things I know and like, since it kind of needs to be a therapeutic mix. I did use some suggestions…but mostly just of things I already knew.)

Okay. Enough disclaimers. Here’s the lineup:

  1. Mr. Siegal,” Tom Waits
  2. Gravity Rides Everything,” Modest Mouse
  3. Shameless,” Ani Difranco
  4. We’ll Sweep Out the Ashes in the Morning,” Gram Parsons & Emmylou Harris
  5. Dancing with the Women at the Bar,” Whiskeytown
  6. Wicked Game,” Chris Isaak
  7. Rebel Rebel,” David Bowie
  8. Bad Reputation,” Joan Jett
  9. American Girl,” Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  10. Pull My Hair,” Bright Eyes
  11. If You Can’t Rock Me,” The Rolling Stones
  12. The Groover,” T. Rex
  13. Add It Up,” Violent Femmes
  14. Driver’s Seat,” Sniff n’ the Tears
  15. The Body Breaks,” Devendra Banhart
  16. Ed’s Song,” Richard Buckner
  17. A Kiss Before I Go,” Ryan Adams & The Cardinals
  18. Sexy MF,” Prince
  19. Pissed Off 2 am,” Alejandro Escovedo

(Hi, I’m Luckybuzz, and I’m the OCD poster child. Links go to lyrics, except for Buckner, because I can’t find lyrics online and you should just listen to it, anyway.)

I think it’s pretty clear from the majority of my blog posts why GB is pretty much the coolest person in the whole freaking world ever.* But, friends, he done outdid himself tonight. He just came in here (where I’m trying in vain to work and generally being mean to myself) and said, hey, let’s go online and buy you an iPod.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(That is probably the only time you’re going to hear me squeal like that. Fortunately for you.)

Dudes. It’s just sad, how excited about this I am. But EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Sorry. That one was seriously the last one.)

This should help me do some serious procrastinating, huh?

*And he doesn’t even read my blog, so I’m not just buttering him up. And what’s up with GB’s long blog silence, anyway? Y’all should go over to his blog (which is pretty much the Devil’s spam playground now) and urge him to blog more. The blogosphere needs him.

  • Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.
  • Notes for chapter one have hit 100+ pages. GB took me out for lunch last week and helped me figure out some good ways to go with this chapter, but then I come back, open it up, and…it’s just overwhelming. I’m thinking about starting a fresh document and just moving things over, because what I’ve got right now feels like that point when your house gets so disturbingly dirty that it seems like a better idea to light a match than to pick up a mop.
  • I stared at it for awhile, then remembered that I have an interview that needs to be transcribed–it’s from months ago, and it’s loooong, but I do need pieces of it for this chapter. Hooray! A productive distraction!
  • Seriously, how do I clean up this mess of a chapter? It’s an assortment of rough-draft-paragraphs, citations, quotes, reminders to myself (HEY, THE POINT OF THIS CHAPTER IS…), a chunk of an older paper that I thought I might want to include but now I think I don’t but I can’t make it go away, and this giant crazy outline of thoughts and plans. I just do not understand why I can’t make this be a chapter. From a distance, it doesn’t seem that hard. I sit down in front of it, and I feel like I’m drowning.
  • Clearly: because transcribing is a welcome relief right now. That’s sick.
  • I’m thinking that I might as well merge my “dissertation” and “neurotica” labels for this blog.
  • I’m starting Celexa again–actually, I took my first 1/2 dose last night. I saw the crazymeds nurse (Lucy: a different one, and I have to say I liked the old one better!) yesterday, and told her what’s been going on in my head (with the panic attacks, mostly), and she was like, oh my god, let’s get you back on Celexa, stat! (Okay, she might have only yelled “stat!” in my head.) Anyway. I’ve been a little worried about going back on it, but I think it’s for the good. Supportive comments to that effect are welcome.
  • Here’s a little Wednesday present for you: go watch this video of Richard Buckner from 1994. Oh my god, have you ever seen anything more adorable? He’s like a puppy. I’m totally submitting this to Cute Overload.

Turns out it’s been hanging out in the Next State Over. I got to spend plenty of time driving through it this morning, on my way to far-too-early-fieldwork. And guess what? I get to head to Next State Over *again* tomorrow!

Sigh. I’m exhausted, and I’m not actually accomplishing anything much. What’s up with that?

GB and I went over to the Squirrel’s for an impromptu get-together last night–me, GB, the Squirrel, Jason, the Squirrel’s friend MusicGuy, and Bad Idea.

Apparently, it’s not only Bad Idea who has to get all rightinmyface and personal with the gratuitous touching when we hang out…it’s been awhile since I’d done any drinking with the Squirrel (though I stayed unbelievably freaking sober, what with the looming far-away-fieldwork of today) and I was pleased to discover that the Squirrel, also, apparently needs to talk to me from an inch and a half away when he’s drunk. Between Bad Idea and the Squirrel–literally–I had bookend flirty drunk boys all night….and a sweet little drunken GB smiling at me from a couple feet away. Really not a worst-case scenario.

Speaking of….come on, friends, it’s nearly last call for suggestions for the Dangerous Mood II CD! While I can’t promise I’ll use all the suggestions, I’m pretty sure I’ll use some of them, and besides–I want to know what your Dangerous Mood songs are!

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