What my next 24 hours are looking like:

  • read more of writer-I-hate to prep for tomorrow’s sections
  • prep more, because BigName Course Head mentioned casually, and in passing, yesterday that she’d like to sit in on all the TFs sections sometime (*cough*micromanage*cough*). Like maybe starting with mine, tomorrow.
  • fidget uncontrollably and wish I still smoked, because while the teaching is going pretty well, I’ve been horribly afflicted by the social anxiety (what grownups are allowed to call being shy) lately. Really, really bad. Like, “no one look at me, I’m ducking out early, am I making inappropriate facial gestures?” bad. Which has led, lately, to the resurgence of my stumbling, stuttering, utterly-failing-me tongue. Which makes me just wish I had Tourette’s, so I’d have an excuse for roaming around campus muttering “fuck! shit! dammit!” as I think about how badly speaking to humans has been going for me lately.
  • prep more for sections, because while grabbing the cats and some CDs, catching a Greyhound to Nogales and changing my name *sounds* like a great idea, I will probably have to deal with the reality of attempting to teach (ahem, “lead discussion,” because God forbid I should imply that I’m more than a lackey) tomorrow in front of BigName, who makes me nervous anyway, and I would really hate to just burst into tears. Seriously, can one’s career overcome bursting into tears in front of undergrads and BigName Course Head? Yeah, I’m thinking not so much.
  • go to Workshop at 4:00, which will be interesting but anxiety-producing in its own ways
  • go to the Wrangler’s this evening in an attempt to make up for barely seeing him over the past couple weeks. Pretty much all class prep needs to be done before this; I can’t work at the Wranglers’.
  • be cranky and yell at the Wrangler (and probably the Li’l Wrangler, if he’s still up when I get there) because I can’t work at his house, because he owes me money, and because I’m just mean to him lately.
  • drink wine, eat delivered Chinese food, sleep. (this part sounds great, but masks the fact that I’ll be yelling and worrying while doing these things)
  • wake up way too early, freak out that I’m not ready for the day, stress out trying to get the Li’l Wrangler to school even close to on time
  • go to my house, shower, change, pick up stuff for the day
  • think I’ll have time for more prep and find that to be So. Not. True.
  • have things go fine in sections, despite all this non-prep and worry, because somehow I pulled it out of my ass
  • wander around campus mumbling “fuck! shit! I totally suck! Nogales, here I come!”
  • go home, nap, drink.

See, if I just put that last thing up at number 1, it all starts to look much more tolerable, doesn’t it?

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