- I will be going off the Nifedipine on Friday, when I hit 36 weeks. My doctor said, “I can’t say that you’ll go into labor as soon as you stop the meds, but you never know.” Apparently, my doctors are okay with that scenario.
- I, on the other hand, am terrified and overwhelmed by that scenario.
- I’ve been having tons of the mostly-painless Braxton-Hicks contractions in the past two days. This isn’t abnormal, except that the Nifedipine is supposed to be preventing them, and it’s clearly not. In general, I do feel like my body is getting ready to start Making Things Happen.
- OMFG. So not ready.
- When I was 12, I had my tonsils out. Apparently, there was some issue about my blood not clotting as quickly as it should, but they went ahead and did the surgery anyway. Two days later, I was rushed to the hospital with lots of bleeding in my throat, and had to have emergency surgery to stop it. No one in my family is quite sure what the actual bleeding problem was, and it hasn’t been a problem since–though I haven’t had any other surgeries.* This has been a concern to me lately, though–obviously, I’m worried about the blood-clotting issue coming up during or after delivery. So. I told my doctor about it on Monday (I had mentioned it before, but I don’t think they noted it then), and she looked concerned, and sent me to the lab for blood tests. I’m extremely anxious about this whole thing. One, because a bleeding disorder means that an epidural is contraindicated–and I’d really like to know ahead of time if an epidural is not going to be an option. Two, because I am terrified of dying. Yes, I know that maternal mortality is this country is thankfully low. But really? It’s my biggest childbirth-related fear. Reassurance that I will probably not die would be welcomed in the comments.
- I have to say that I’m not entirely prepared for an epidural to not be an option. I’m madly researching other pain management techniques and drugs, as well as telling myself that I have a super-high pain tolerance and hey, maybe it’ll all just be a breeze. (Work with me on this one, people. I’m trying out positive thinking.)
- My anxiety lately is through the fucking roof as a result of all this, though. Part of me very much wants the whole thing to just be over, safely, for everyone involved.
- The rest of me, of course, really, really, really wants H. to stay right where he is until 37 weeks, which is full term, which is next Friday.
- Which is also the day that Bar results come out.
- Is it any wonder that video games have become the most popular entertainment in my house right now? GB and I are both wildly freaked out and overwhelmed.
- GB kissed me goodbye today and said, “Try not to go into labor.” I said I’d try. Can’t promise.
- I keep thinking that if H. shows up soon, it’ll be awhile before I get pho again. I think I need to make a pho trip for lunch today.
- Oh, and? Another one of my school friends passed his defense yesterday. I am thrilled for him–he’s got a job, he’s got a degree, he’s an all-around swell guy. Yeah. I’m very happy for my friends. But I feel like a gigantic loser, and everytime one of my friends successfully defends, it makes me cry. Am I *ever* going to actually finish this fucking degree?
- Stupid hormones.
*My OB did ask if I had problems with bleeding gums. I do, constantly–it’s gotten worse with pregnancy, but even non-pregnant, my gums bleed if you look at them funny. I always assumed it had to do with my immense fear of dentists, and maybe it does…Or maybe not. Yeah. Not reassuring.
May 7, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Hugs to you, luckybuzz! I hope that H can hang in there until 37 weeks, too, but even if he’s earlier than that, just know that you will both be fine! Take care and try not to stress out (I know- I’m sure I’d be the same way- and I don’t even have anxiety issues- not officially, anyway!)
May 7, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I had the bleedingest gums you ever did see during pregnancy, and I survived. I’m just saying.
Also, every minute that you remain in school improves your odds on that whole dying-in-childbirth thing. Seriously. We’ve covered this.
(But, still. Sympathy and lots of it. It was my worst fear when I was approaching labor, too.)
P.S. Are you reassured that you will not die yet, or do I have to send in the big guns? (My husband.) Because you know I will if you need it.
May 7, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Okay, how is this for reassurance…a friend of mine actually has that blood clotting issue and while it did mean that she couldn’t have an epidural, she did not die in childbirth. Not even nearly. She has two kids, both born by c-section. She had to have general anesthesia but there wasn’t any issue with the bleeding in the surgery. She was fine. it takes a bit longer to recover from a caesarean birth but it’s really just fine. You are not going to die.
May 7, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Mostly, bleeding stops after childbirth because the muscle that is your uterus clamps down really hard and puts physical pressure on the blood vessels. So it’s not like having surgery.
Also, I’ve done labor both ways, without epidural and with, and it was back labor, and I can tell you that your body’s own endorphins kick in like crazy. Really, nothing else like it. You focus very intently on what is going on inside you.
The epidural makes it so the pain fades out, but you lose your own endorphins and you are not that connected to the process of labor anymore. And your mobility is severely limited. That’s just part of the tradeoff. So if you *don’t* opt for the epidural, you have more non-drug methods for pain management at your disposal. (I needed the epidural to sleep: epidurals are very good for that.)
I should know this, I think, but are you using a doula?
May 7, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Mostly, bleeding stops after childbirth because the muscle that is your uterus clamps down really hard and puts physical pressure on the blood vessels. So it’s not like having surgery.
Also, I’ve done labor both ways, without epidural and with, and it was back labor, and I can tell you that your body’s own endorphins kick in like crazy. Really, nothing else like it. You focus very intently on what is going on inside you.
The epidural makes it so the pain fades out, but you lose your own endorphins and you are not that connected to the process of labor anymore. And your mobility is severely limited. That’s just part of the tradeoff. So if you *don’t* opt for the epidural, you have more non-drug methods for pain management at your disposal. (I needed the epidural to sleep: epidurals are very good for that.)
I should know this, I think, but are you using a doula?
May 7, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Everything will be just fine. Really good, actually. I am Skycat, right? So, there you have it.
May 7, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Technically, I’m not a medical doctor and I’ve never been pregnant. So, one might argue that I have no idea what I’m talking about. But here’s what I predict: your body is ready to (soon – but 37 weeks would work) make things happen, which will translate into a relatively pain free and easy labor. You probably won’t even need/want an epidural.
That said, I do empathize with your fears – I’d have them too – but everything will be fine. You’ll probably enjoy labor. Or something.
May 7, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I laughed out loud that despite all the anxiety you are keeping mindful of pho! That is awesome =)
You have dealt with all the curve balls that the pregnancy has thrown at you with such success that no matter what happens, I’m sure you will make sure that H and yourself are both going to be healthy and happy. It is going to be great!
May 7, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I agree: GB and the docs will take good care of you. And does the Pho place not do takeout? Or are you worried about eating it for some other reason? If not, you should definitely make picking up an order of that someone’s specific post-delivery assignment. Just sayin.
May 7, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Thanks, y’all. I appreciate the reassurance. I’m not completely convinced, but I feel a bit better (off and on, depending how much I really think about it all).
Apparently my bloodwork is all pretty normal, so the doctor I talked to is not so worried. Which is good, I guess, though he sounded less than 100% sure. Guess I’ll keep thinking about my pain management options.
Ursa, the pho place probably does takeout, but it’s considerably farther than anyone but I would be willing to drive…can’t see getting my mom or GB to pick up pho from that far away. I got my pho fill today. Hopefully that’ll be enough to hold me for a while.
Sheila, that’s all very helpful–thanks. We’re not using a doula; we were going to, and then decided not to awhile back. I think it’ll be okay…though as of today, I’m kind of second-guessing that decision.
May 7, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I see lots of long walks with H in the stroller to go pick up take out pho in your future. I wouldn’t see this if you were going to die during childbirth, now would I?
Really, I can understand the overwhelming fear that something is going to go wrong for you or H, but rest assured – this is NORMAL! And once you sail through childbirth (with or without that epidural), you will realize that you had nothing to worry about. That’s when the new phase will begin, the phase in which you are freaking out about anything and everything that could possibly harm H. I think the fear of death during childbirth is because it’s the last time you will ever get to think of yourself first. Just ask Hubby about the way I cried on the way home from the hospital with Corwin and Clara – I was sure that some idiot was going to rear-end us. So much so that I made him take the long way and not the highway
(((hugs)))
May 7, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Not much to add here except that you totally rock. (and just lay in a supply of pho–they have to do takeout!!)
May 7, 2008 at 7:18 pm
And what’s up with the pictures. Have you been abducted by the amish and are they making you sew quilts???
May 7, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Weezy, you made me laugh.
I don’t know WTF if up with those…
May 7, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I was kinda wondering the same thing as Weezy. I must say that I’m happy that my quilt square is red and white. Keeps with the Canadian theme, eh?
May 8, 2008 at 7:12 am
Big hugs!!!!
May 8, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Can I trade in my pink quilt?
And, I definitely think that Assignments of Great Import for family members are acceptable in the weeks following childbirth (but I also think they are acceptable on many other occasions– so maybe that’s just me!) It might even make the pho-courrier feel special!
May 9, 2008 at 5:24 am
luckybuzz–a doula is a major resource to have during labor, for both you and GB. We would have been really up a creek without ours.
May 9, 2008 at 6:02 am
don’t listen to anybody who tells you it’s better/worse/easier/harder/more womanly/bad/good/immoral/moral/blah blah whatever to have an epidural/not have an epidural/insert childbirth choice here. you do what works for you and I’m going to stroll back over here and yell at you if I catch you feeling inadequate for either/or/whatever you end up doing.
okay?
May 9, 2008 at 6:38 am
Luckybuzz-
I too was absolutely totally and completely convinced that I would not survive childbirth. I mean, how can one? It is so utterly improbably what has to happen for it all to work.
But, then, suddenly, I was in labor and I was just doing it. Your body knows what to do — and you can trust it. I did it without an epidural — kind of by choice but mostly because it was too late by the time I decided to give in and get one.
There are a couple of really good things about not having an epidural. The first one is that there is this weird thing that happens while you’re pushing: with each contraction the baby gets pushed down a little farther, but when the contraction is over, they get sucked back up a little. A friend of mine told me that when you can feel the baby coming into the birth canal during the pushing down stage, to hold on lightly with your vaginal muscles when the contraction lets up – this holds them in place and so that the next contraction doesn’t have make up the distance from the sucking back up, it can just begin from where it ended. Does that make sense? Anyway, it happened just like that in my labor and once I remembered to do this, there were only a few more pushes and she came out. I was telling this story to my mom and to a couple of other people who had had epidurals, and they said, “Huh. I never felt that.” Because I could feel her moving through my body, I could know what to do with my muscles to make it work. That was cool.
The other good news is that when the Gadlet was born, the doctors and nurses were just blown away by how alert and awake she was. They wouldn’t stop commenting on it. They said that most of the births they saw had drugs. And I was alert and awake. Tired, sore, but utterly high that I could feel my body and my legs and I could walk around. Oh, yeah, and totally ecstatic that I was not dead.
Anyway, you too will survive this. And, believe it or not you’ll feel more powerful for having done so. Plus, you get a little H to love when it is all said and done.
Good luck, Luckybuzz! Keep us posted!