polyopia

I’m not ready to leave here.

The saga continues….

Last night was kind of a bust in the Bad Idea department…

Although I did kind of freak out at one point when he said (to me), “You’re a Bad Influence. I’m going to call you B.I.” (And I was all, OMG!!!! HE READ MY BLOG!!! But I’m positive he has no idea what a “blog” is, unless it’s some odd species of local flora, so no worries, I think…just odd coincidence.)

But I might get another chance later tonight…

In the meantime, GB and I have been up since 6am packing, mailing boxes, donating things to the local thrift store, and generally being about-to-move maniacs. Good times.

I am sleepy. Very, very sleepy. And freaking exhausted. But apparently there will be a few beers at Jason’s tonight and…well, as GB reminded me last night, “If you’re going to make another move on Bad Idea, you need to be a lot more obvious about it.” So let’s see how that goes, shall we?

Oy. Let’s see if I can stay awake long enough to try.

So, you know how I was all like, okay, the deed is done with Bad Idea, resolution blah blah blah, and I don’t have to do that again?

Well, I might have spoken just a bit too soon.

I hadn’t talked to Bad Idea since he left my house on Friday morning, and I had every reason to believe that he was just being…weird.

Last night, though, Jason, IB/DM, and Bad Idea came over for a few drinks–a pre-going-away party, to prepare us for today’s actual going-away-party. It was fun–drinking, listening to music, one everyone-drop-your-pants-and-do-a-shot moment (yeah, it’s nice to have GB back).

Then we decided to go out for a beer, and headed down the street a few blocks. The minute we got outside, Bad Idea dropped back with me–we ended up a couple blocks behind IB/DM, GB, and Jason. As soon as they (well, Jason, since GB and IB/DM already know all about the other night) were out of earshot, Bad Idea said, Damn, I keep thinking about the other night and I’d like to do that again…how about tomorrow sometime?

Well, blogfriends, what with the impending move and all, I think we can all assume that’s an offer I won’t be able to refuse.

So if we duck out of the party for a few minutes this afternoon? Uh, don’t look for us, okay?

***Bonus tragi-comic sentence of the evening: “Why does this have to happen right when you’re moving?”***

….from the inimitable Aunt B. I hate to do it, but I have to. Because, OMFGPONIESSS! “Invisible Man made kittehs n birdz…”

So, in case you don’t read Aunt B. (and seriously, WTF if you don’t?), here’s the LOL-OT (the lolz Old Testament, that would be) for you…

No big surprises here…

(In more exciting news: GB got home this morning! Damn, did I miss me some GB. Y’all are coming to our going-away-barbecue at Jason’s tomorrow, right?)

Guess what I did?

Told Bad Idea I wasn’t going to fuck him.

Guess what I woke up to at 8am?

3 untouched Jack & Cokes (why did I pour three drinks for the two of us?)

2 condom wrappers on the floor

2 HUGE painful bruise-y spots on my back (what the fuck happened to me? Did I fall down the basement stairs again? Thank gods there’s no actual basement here…)

1 Bad Idea standing confusedly in the middle of the living room mumbling, “I think I need to go home…”

SPOILER ALERT!

We probably should have stuck with the heavy petting.

Live and learn. Regrets, I have none. Though I *am* going back to sleep.

• First, apologies for being a bad blogfriend. As my computer is still dead and I’m still working on GB’s old iMac, commenting is not so easy. I’m trying to comment here and there, but I keep being thwarted. I’m still reading, though!
• Yeah. My computer is still dead. I bought a new hard drive, and had GB’s mom mail me a Windows XP disk (since we’d already shipped all our software to the in-laws’).
• Good news: both arrived yesterday. I settled in for an evening of installing the hard drive and Windows, until…
• Bad news: first, it took me two hours to remove the screw for the hard drive cover (which, of course, I stripped). Removal required two separate trips to find a teeny screwdriver. Removed the hard drive, put the new one in, and discovered…it’s not possible to install Windows from an external CD-ROM.
• Why the fuck is this not possible?
• I don’t know. But everything I found basically said “sorry, no.” Since the cd/dvd drive on my laptop has been dead for over a year, this puts me in a bit of a predicament.
• Made another trip to Best Buy. Did you know they only sell CD drives for desktop computers? No, neither did I.
• Bought a new CD drive from ebay. Have no idea if it will work or not. Will I ever get my laptop back? Will the CD drive show up before we leave on TUESDAY? Stay tuned…
• We leave on Tuesday. Ack!
• Called Bad Idea yesterday afternoon and told him to call me if he wanted to get drinks later. Never heard from him.
• Which mostly sucks because I wanted to tell him that I actually don’t think we should fuck before I leave. I think we need to leave it at the heavy petting. But since I didn’t get to tell him that during our brief phone conversation, now it feels like he blew me off because of the Great Expectations fear (and yeah, I do tend to agree with that analysis. My blogfriends are smart. S-M-R-T smart!).
• In case it’s not quite clear, I’m feeling a little sensitive lately.
• GB is on his LAST DAY of the Bar Exam today. Go GB!
• I am absurdly jealous that, while I’m sure the Bar is grueling and all that, GB is getting to spend this week hanging out with them. My consolation: I’m headed out to that coast soon, too!
• I am just a giant mess of emotions.
• Tom Petty was right about the waiting being the hardest part. Though I’m fairly sure Tom wasn’t waiting for what I’m waiting for. (This is a pseudo-cryptic message. Three of my blogfriends know what I’m talking about….)
• I swore to the Advisor that I would have a chapter to him by August 1st. He made me promise.
• I won’t.
• I actually can’t work on my dissertation right now. All of my data is in PC-only software formats. I can work on the actual text of the chapters, I guess, since I have them in Google documents….but I don’t have access to any of my primary data or secondary sources. That’s making it seem a little difficult.
• Also, there’s this whole moving-in-five-days thing going on.
• I’m not sure what to do about this. I’m thinking about just emailing him my updated chapter overview (which is a complete reformulation of the structure of my diss, based on my last conversation with the Advisor) and explaining the whole moving/broken computer thing and promising the chapter by September 1st instead.
• He is not going to like that.
• Option 2 would be to send him the chapter as-is: a brief outline with a lot of “XXX goes here…THINK ABOUT XXXX here???” I don’t actually think he’d like that, either, and I feel like he’d be more inclined to think I’m an idiot with option 2.
• But see, that’s my problem with the diss overall: that it has to be perfect, obviously, and so not only can I not send him anything (because it’s not perfect), but I can’t even write anything down.
• I’m afraid that if I tell the Advisor I don’t have a chapter for him, he’ll decide it’s not worth his time to continue being the Advisor (since he’s already off at New University).
• On the other hand, I *don’t* have a chapter for him, and holy fuck, can’t I get a little slack for moving across the country with no apartment, no job, no computer, and no money?
• Oh, speaking of money: good news! I met with Financial Aid yesterday and learned that a) my eligibility for next year is TWICE what I thought it would be, and is, technically, enough to live on; and b) my financial aid officer offered to advance me several thousand dollars from next year’s loans–enough to put down first, last and deposit on a (cheap) apartment. So the time living with the In-Laws should be fairly brief…yippee!
• Bad Idea, IB/DM, me, and maybe the Squirrel (and a few other random friends-of-friends) are going to see this guy tonight. I don’t really know him, but the Squirrel and Bad Idea love him. Should be fun.
• GB comes home early-early Saturday morning–hooray! I’ve missed me some GB.
• I do worry that GB will be appalled at the amount of packing/moving shit out that I haven’t done while he’s been gone…
• I pretty much feel like I’m letting people down all across the board.
• I am very much in an end-of-an-era phase. And the mood to go with it. I’m kind of looking forward to some fresh starts.

I forgot to say this earlier, but, blogfriends: Think good thoughts for GB, who is RIGHT THIS MINUTE kicking ass on the first day of the California Bar Exam! Happy lawyerish thoughts, good vibes, and crossed fingers are greatly appreciated.

(…is weaving a course of grace and havoc…)*

I just got back from lunch with Bad Idea–his treat, this time. I took the houseplants to him and he bought me pho. Pretty good deal.

We talked a little about the poly stuff–specifically, about how GB and I do it: how we’re honest, and try to be empathetic, and how we’ve been doing this for 11 years now (all things Bad Idea knows, but he was happy to be reminded). And we talked a little about our dinner the other night, and agreed that it was awesome all around.

By the end of lunch he said, “You’ve convinced me that I won’t go to hell or be a horrible person if we have sex. I’m sold. And we don’t have to tell Jason (who would be totally judgmental about it and keeps telling Bad Idea not to sleep with me). But really, the only people who HAVE to know are you, me, and GB. Right? Hmm. Okay. I’m convinced.”

Great, I said. What are you doing after work tonight?

And he said, “I’m convinced, and I know it would be great, and I want to. But I’m not giving it the thumbs up yet.”

Um. What? The? Fuck?

Strangest. Boy. Ever.

So I said, You know, I’m only here for another week, so really, we only have a few more days. And Bad Idea said–

–wait, are you ready? Because this is freaking hilarious:–

“Well, I don’t want it to feel rushed.”

–Got that laughter under control yet?–

I’ve lived here for 5 years.

I’ve been putting moves on Bad Idea for at least 4 of those years.

We’ve been doing the drunk kissing/fooling around, on and off, for the past 3 years.

We made out for nearly THREE FREAKING HOURS the other night.

But, no, I’d hate for him to feel rushed.

*Big points and my undying affection for my (maybe two?) blogfriends who can identify this lyric…

• I think I might have mentioned that this will be my third cross-country move.
• What I’m feeling this evening? I remember this from the other two moves, too.
• I’m at home, watching TV, not-working because all my data is on my external hard drive, in PC-based programs, and my laptop’s hard drive is fully dead. I have a new hard drive coming–it should be here in a few days–but in the meantime I’m on the iMac. And I’m telling myself I can’t really work on this…though of course I could.
• I feel a little lonely, and a little weirded out that I’m spending tonight here watching pointless TV when I only have a week left here.
• IB/DM is out of town. Jason is laying low tonight. The Squirrel has all but disappeared from social interactions. And I have plans to hang out with Bad Idea a few times this week, but tonight I don’t feel like drinking and feel kind of like, well, after last night, we might need a night apart.
• That was a lot of intense intimacy for a friendship that’s about to go long distance. Even I’m feeling the need for a boundary.
• Still: I’m lonely, and melancholy, and really feeling the imminence of my departure from here.
• This totally awesome friend of mine made me a mix CD for my travels. I can’t stop listening to it. Especially this song. I’m wallowing, really. And enjoying it.
• I think the mix CD is the best gift one human can give another human. I’m serious. (Sorry, PS, I’m not trying to embarrass you. But this mix is really suiting my mood.)
• Sigh. Sorry for the lame, self-indulgent bullets of crap. I think it just kind of feels like a Sunday.
• Hmm. Could I just be having an oyster hangover?